Thursday, June 24, 2010

American Jihad

Five US men convicted of Pakistan 'terror plot'. Screams the BBC News website headline above this picture.

Mind you they also keep telling us that this blokes name is Barack Obama and that he is a natural born American.

Pass the Mind Bleach

Westminster was abuzz yesterday following the news that Dianne Abbot is to withdraw from the labour leadership contest following speculation about the circumstances which lead to the recent announcement of her current pregnancy.

Questioned about the incident Ms. Abbott stated "We are living in the 21st century. Women have the right to take the initiative when it comes to getting themselves pregnant. If David couldn’t see what was going on that’s hardly my fault. It’s not like we did it in the street and we aren’t the first couple to have sex in that broom closet.”

She went on - "I felt that it was important for me to be pregnant during the leadership campaign in order that I could better empathise with other pregnant members of the party in the lead up to the vote. This was not just some cheap publicity stunt like Cameron’s during the general election."

Former Home Secretary, with previous for diddling where he shouldn't, David Blunkett remains somewhat tight lipped about the affair. In his only statement on the matter to date he said "Look, I was having a quiet drink in the commons bar when a woman sat down next to me and started whispering suggestively in my ear. I thought it was the lovely Baroness Ashton. If I had realised it was that ugly blob Abbott I would have run a mile. She told me she was taking me for a walk on the terrace, the next thing I know I have a face full of wet mop and strange hands inside my trousers. She trapped me. The fact that it was Abbott not the Baroness does explain why the whole thing left me feeling like a bloke who had just driven a Mini through the Mersey Tunnel."

He refused to comment on what role he might take in the child's upbringing.

Senior members of the labour party are keeping quiet about the incident with one or two notable exceptions. Harriet Harmman said "I sympathise completely with Diane over her terrible ordeal. That Blunkett always had an eye for the ladies. I have long suspected he was a closet rapist." She went on "Had Mr. Blunkett made a white man pregnant there would not have been this fuss."

Baroness Ashton has admitted to being flattered by Mr. Blunkett's words she said "It takes a man of David's vision to see my true worth."

Monday, June 21, 2010

New Jersey comes to Blackburn

Blackburn Council's Environmental Services Department was raided by the Serious Crime Squad yesterday and several members of Recycling Team were arrested. The raid follows complaints from business men in the area about strong-arm tactics being used by the councils recycling team to pursued them to use the councils very expensive recycling scheme rather than cheaper more environmentally friendly schemes.

Those arrested include Mr Peter Paul Gualtieri (aka Paulie Walnuts) recycling scheme enforcer, Silvio Dante the recycling teams consigliere , Mr Christopher Moltisanti the recycling team organiser and Mr Tony "T" Soprano the recycling scheme manager.

All four of those arrested have been charged with demanding money with menaces and fly tipping.

A spokesrat for the council said "This comes as a complete surprise to the council. Mr Soprano's team were well known within the council and commanded a lot of respect from everyone. We appreciate that there have been some rumours about Mr Soprano's methods but he certainly got results and we believe the recent allegations of broken legs, beatings and shootings was exaggeration. Mr Soprano was always able to produce evidence that he and his team were elsewhere at the time of the alleged incidents.

Paint it White

Peruvian inventor, con-man and warmist nut job Eduardo Gold is attempting to persuade Andean glaciers to start reappearing by painting the Andes white.

Interviewed by our South American corespondent Mr Gold said. "The glaciers migrated to the Antarctic when the temperatures in the Andes rose above those needed for breeding glaciers to procreate. We are hoping that by painting the mountains white we can encourage the glaciers to return."

Pressed on why the painting the mountains would bring back the glaciers Mr Gold replied "Glaciers are very choosy about where they live. By painting the mountains we believe that they will look more like the Antarctic and so be more appealing to migrating glaciers. With luck and enough paint we believe we can attract at least one breeding pair to settle in the Andes."

Asked how he secured $200,000 from the World Bank to undertake such a stupid project he replied "It wasn't easy, we spent years studying the Peruvian Andes from which we produced a 3000 page report which we submitted to the World Bank who obviously saw the merit in our case."

When our reporter pointed out that the 3000 page report contains no information but is merely an endless repetition of the single sentence "Global Warming scared our glaciers away, help help, send money". Mr Gold signaled the end of the interview by running to his brand new Lamborghini Mercielago and driving away.

I really wish I could say I had made this one up.

Surely it is only a matter of time until THIS actually happens.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Charley Chicken

Do you ever wonder why we English are so contemptuous of the French?

We all know they are lazy, rude, can't fight, don't wash, eat an awful lot of stuff that should really be given to the dog and they brought us the common agricultural policy. But in my opinion we continue to be contemptuous of them because they keep giving us reasons to be.

Here is the latest. A short arsed old perv with trophy bint in tow visiting London to celebrate a brave French leader who ran away in 1940 and spent WWII hiding in a cellar in London.

You can see why he is such a hero to the French and why the BBC are constantly playing excerpts from one of his famous "run away the Germans are coming" speeches.

I didn't realise there was a statue of de Gaulle in London. Well next time I'm visiting that London and need a pee...........


There seems to be a lot of fuss about surveilance cameras being covered up in muslim areas of Birmingham. Surely this is just a continuation of muslim tradition, and is only being done to protect the modesty of the cameras.

Silly Cow

Dear Mrs Hogger.

I understand that you were on one of the ships in the fluffy flotilla of fun and love when those nasty Israeli soldiers stormed the ship and attacked you and the peace activists aboard the ship.

I think it is very brave of a German MP to stand up and tell the world how the Jews should be treated. It is important that as an EU nation Germany steps up to bring leadership to the EU on the Jewish problem.

I understand that your new book "The final solution to the Jewish Question in the Middle East" is to be published soon. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy.


PS. With a name like Hogger you should really be a British MP.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

McGuiness Isn't Good For You

Having now had a chance to go through the Saville report on the 1972 Londonderry incident I now regret the flippancy of my previous post.

I am now of the opinion that the £200 million that the report has cost was real value for money. The complete list of conclusions is as follows :-

1. 14 peace loving, totally innocent, catholic, hug bunnies were callously gunned down by the evil Brits.
2. Martin McGuiness was only in the area armed with a machine gun because he was getting rid of moles from a friends lawn.
3. Adolf Hitler was a much misunderstood friend of the Jews.
4. Pol Pot never even visited Cambodia, let alone kill half it's population.
5. The 9/11 atrocity was perpetrated by Buddhists.
6. Muhammad liked to have his portrait painted.
7. David Kelly committed suicide.
8. Robert Mugabe really loves white folks.
9. Gordon Brown abolished boom and bust.
10. Tony Blair never lies and his wife is not an unspeakable whore.
11. The "Hockey Stick" graph represents a piece of well researched science.
12. Obama has a clue.
13. The Moon is made of cheese.

I think you will agree that these findings are well worth the cost.

As this is not a sweary blog I cannot fully express the contempt I have for Cleggeron 1 and his completely inappropriate apology. Suffice to say the man is a complete smeg head of a soaking wet liberal, shiny faced, can't even win an election against Gordon bloody Brown, sniveling, embarrassment.

All that's left now is for us taxpayers to pick up the compensation bill.

Crime might just pay

Following his appointment as Justice Minister Kenneth Clarke has announced his new approach to sentencing in the UK.

To cut costs murderers, rapists, arsonists, burglars, thieves and perpetrators of serious crimes will no longer be jailed. Instead Kenny boy is proposing a 3 step punishment regime.

1. They will be seriously told off by the judge/magistrate.
2.They must sit on the naughty step for an hour and think hard about what they have done.
3. They must then promise only to do nice things and have nice thoughts in future.

Mr Clarke has reserved the right of the Justice Minister to order a particularly serious offender to receive a big smacked bottom. It is anticipated that this will be a rarely used sanction.

The crimes of murder, rape, arson, terrorism, burglary, theft etc will be removed form the statute book and replaced with the single "catch all" crime of Being Naughty

Meanwhile to keep the books balanced victims of crime will be billed for the cost of investigating the crime committed against them. Refusal or inability to pay will result in a prison sentence. Speeding and neglecting to call a police officer sir will be the only crimes for which imprisonment remains a possibility.

The Prime Minister has described the changes to the justice system as bold and progressive.

I'm not sure why the Cleggerons didn't just leave Jack Straw in the job.


Mr Patrick Shearer, Plod 1 in the Dumfries and Galloway Constabulary has announced that due to forthcoming spending cuts Middle-class Scots will no longer be entitled to a “universal police service”.

I understand that as a result the entire Scottish middle class has decided to move to England. If this is true and they all come here we could be faced with the problem of finding housing for all 16 of them.

The exodus of all 16 members of the Scots middle class would make Scotland the only allegedly non communist country in the world where 100% of the population is employed by government or are completely dependent on benefits.

Yes, Mr Shearer is an ACPO wonk, head of ACPO Scotland in fact so obviously he's not very politicised!!!!!

It is nice of Dumfries and Galloway to join the rest of us who haven't seen a decent police service for at least 13 years.

H/T to the ever watchful Dock Green

Just Another Sunday

I held my own Bloody Sunday enquiry in my garage at the weekend. The Cleggerons will get my bill early next week, and it will be a lot lower than Saville's bill.

After listening to the evidence and considering what has happened in Ulster since, the only conclusion I can come to was that it just was not bloody enough.

Monday, June 14, 2010

What's all the noise about?

Can Anyone tell me why this bloke is getting so much stick from the BBC and World Cup football fans at the moment?

He doesn't look like a very noisy bloke to me.

Huhne is the new Hoon

Chris Huhne, the Cleggeron Secretary of State for Returning the UK to the Dark Ages has come under serious pressure to resign today following revelations that 80% of the wind turbines in the UK are not in fact wind turbines. Rather they have electric motors which draw power from the national grid to turn their blades and give the impression that they are generating electricity.

Speaking on the BBC Toady Programme he said. "Look the people who are getting upset about this are missing the point. Wind turbines were never about generating power. I mean, come on, what sort of idiot do you have to be to think wind turbines are as good as traditional electricity generating technology? No, the turbines are a symbol, a symbol of our belief in magic and the old ways."

Asked how the UK would prosper with few real power stations and thousands of windmills drawing current from the grid rather than adding power to it he replied. "I don't see why we need all this electricity in the first place. Surely a couple of biggish power stations would be enough to provide sufficient power for London and to keep the Eurostar going, what more do we really need?"

Asked to justify the cost of the windmills, especially the 80% of non productive units he responded "This money has not been wasted, far from it. The investment in wind power has provided many of my friends with worthwhile employment from which some of them have become even richer than me. So you can see there is money to be made for the well connected person in Britain with progressive thinking initiatives like this."

Some environmentalists are angry at what they call "the wholesale slaughter of millions of birds by these follies to government stupidity". However a spokespillock for the RSPB said "Birds are stupid, OK. If they can't be bothered to watch where they are going when they are flying about the place they get what they deserve. Besides we have millions of birds, do we really need them all? Don't forget to sign up for green electricity through our web site.You will get nice fluffy electricity and the RSPB gets a tenner to put towards our vital work saving the wild birds of Britain."

Friday, June 11, 2010

I want my 12 quid back and a reward

Dear Cleggeron 1

It has come to my attention that former Home Secretary and brail enabled raver David Blunkett may sue the current government to recover the cost of his now useless UK ID Card. I feel that the silly old page feeler has got things a little backwards here.

I understand that around 13,000 ID cards were issued in total. All those who purchased an ID card did so voluntarily. I have read that the total costs incurred by the ID card scheme prior to it's cancellation was £2 billion. This makes the actual cost of each card issued approximately £153,846.

I would therefore suggest that Mr. Blunkett and the other labour supporting mentalists that bought these cards all be invoiced the the full cost of their card. Collecting the money should not be a problem as all their details are on the ID database so they will be easy to find.

On a similar topic I believe that I should have the cost of my No2ID t shirt refunded by the current government. After all, by successfully campaigning against these nasty little symbols of totalitarianism, I have saved the country a fortune. While I was happy to do my bit for my country I feel that, having saved the country so many billions of pounds, a cut of the savings wouldn't go amiss. I estimate about £1 million would be appropriate and would represent excellent value for money.

I look forward to your reply and an enclosed cheque.

Yours expectantly.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Is It Flag Day

Dear Mr. Sainsbury.

My partner and I recently visited the local Sainsbury's store to take advantage of your company's generous buy on get one free offers on organic humus and cruelty free, fairtrade tofu.

I have to report our visit to your premises was a nightmare. On entering the car park we felt as if we had accidentally driven into a BNP rally, so many of teh parked cars were displaying a flag showing a red cross on a white background. While we do not know the origins of this flag we know that these days it is nothing more than a BNP banner.

It got worse. On entering the shop itself we find that you are actually offering this racist paraphernalia for sale on your premises. To top this off I noticed that a significant number of your customers were wearing clothing which clearly showed this racist image. Have these people no shame. Had we had one of our many muslim friends from London with us I hate to think how upset they would have been. Is it any wonder some muslims turn to extremism given this type of provocation. We are giving serious consideration to reporting you to the Equality Commission.

My partner and I moved from Islington to Milton Keynes to get out of the city and reconnect with the countryside and nature. However had we known that we would be moving into a racist vipers nest we would have stayed put.

You should know that we will not patronise your shops ever again and we will be tweeting all our friends to boycott your company. We will also be writing a letter to the Guardian about this matter. As a direct result of my visit to your shop my partner and I have decided to move back to the real world and away from this rural racist hellhole.

Sharon Manouver and Betty Heimlich.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sad Day

So what do you make of Derek Bird?

From what I have heard so far he shot a taxi driver, a cyclist and a Range Rover driver so no downside there. Whoops my prejudices are showing.

Seriously though get ready for the spin. The BBC will likely spin this into a right wing terrorist story. Thus validating their claim that it isn't muslims that we need to worry about but right wingers. That or they will claim he was working for Mossad.

The health lobby will likely claim he was a binge drinker who got legless on cheap supermarket booze and went on a rampage.

ASH will claim he had a brain disease caused by passive smoking before they banned smoking in taxis.

The warmists will likely claim that he breathed in too much carbon dioxide due to ever increasing emissions and that this caused him to go mad.

The muslims will likely claim him as one of theirs engaged in jihad against decadent Cumbria.

The Cleggerons will claim it is Labours fault and Labour will blame Thatcher.

Personally, despite the jokes, I think this is very, very sad and I have great sympathy for the dead and their families. Nevertheless I fear that at the end of the day the media and politicians will speak their weasel words and use this awful event and the deaths of these people as justification to further their own agendas and remove more of our freedoms.

Dunblaine happened because the local plod didn't do his job properly, allowing a mad fellow mason to keep firearms. It will be interesting to see how Mr Bird held onto his guns.

Wood Smoking

Dear Mr. Stonewall

A few weeks ago me and the boy (aka my 18yr old son) were in the garden cutting some of the bigger shrubs back. We packed up what we could for disposal by the council, but we had so much that it was obvious that I had to have a large pile of garden waste sitting about for a fortnight, till the next garden waste collection or I had to find another means of disposal.

I have no need for large amounts of compost so a compost heap is not practical. Taking it to the local council disposal site myself would have meant driving it there in the car which is really unkind to the planet so obviously goes against my principals. I decided tat the only option was a bonfire. Out with the old barbecue, piled it up with twigs etc and apply matches. Hurray, easy way to turn large amounts of garden rubbish into a small manageable amount of ash.

As the wood and twigs were quite freshly cut the bonfire produced quite a bit of smoke. I was engulfed in this smoke adding more twigs when my son said to me "You're a wood smoker"

A perfectly innocent remark you may think but a little later it occurred to me that the term "wood smoker" may not have been quite so innocent. Indeed the more I think about it the more I suspect that this was a veiled insult with homophobic insinuations. Even though I am not a homosexual I fear that this "innocent" remark may have revealed some underlying anti homosexual feelings in my son's character. As you might imagine this has caused me great concern.

Could you advise me on what if any help I can get to determine if my son is homophobic and if so how I can get him fixed so that he can become a valid member of society?

Deniersaurus-Rex (Mr.)

Danger UXB

Bomber Command, the gift that keeps on giving.

Sorry, I'm in a peculiar mood today.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Kill the Stupid

When I was young I liked television much much more than I do now. There were some programmes I couldn't stand even back then. Opportunity Knocks, Dee Time and Jukebox Jury were my number one hates followed pretty closely by anything involving Bruce Forsythe.

I was naive back then and I assumed that these programmes were only on the telly to make sure people turned it off and went and did something more useful. I also thought that these programmes were used as a way of keeping our country great. Surely I thought after each of these programmes the studio audience was taken round the back of broadcasting house and quietly shot. To my mind this was a very good way of removing undesirables from the gene pool. What possible use could these type of people be to England.

Imagine my disappointment when I found that this wasn't the case. Imagine how much better off the country would be if it had been true. By now we could have completely bred out the gene that compels idiots to want to watch talent shows. Imagine no more Dancing with Tarts no more Strictly Soft Porn and no more Britain’s got Retards.

I would be especially keen to try this out on Question Time audiences as proof of concept.