Monday, April 26, 2010

Jumpin Jack Flasher

In a poll out today Justice Secretary Jack Straw has been voted the person most likely to molest a child. The Poll was carried out by UGov on behalf of the Deniersaurus-Rex Blog. The Poll found that 98% of people asked to identify the pedophile whilst being show pictures of Tony Blair, David Cameron, William Hague, Garry Glitter and Jack Straw selected the Justice Secretary as the person they believed was most likely a pedophile. When asked why they made their selection the majority said "It looks just like that dirty old perve who hangs around our local playground"

Mr. Straw, who has convictions for possession of a dirty raincoat with intent, kerb crawling and being a total twat in a public place with malice aforethought spoke about the poll’s finding last night. He said "When you get to be as old as me it is not unreasonable to want to have lots of pretty young children sit on you lap. Having an unhealthy interest in young children does not make me a pedophile." Mr. Straw went on to defend his campaign to have Maggot Trotting classified as an Olympic event at the 2012 games.

Unsurprising really

I have had my suspicions about Cameron for some time. Thanks to one of my sources at the local Registrars office (yes my spies are everywhere) it seems my doubts were well founded.

I offer the document below without comment.

Clicky for biggy

Friday, April 23, 2010

For Harry, England and Saint George

The Muslim Counsel of Britain (MCoB) and the Association of Black Police Officers (AoBPO) have teamed up to campaign for the removal of the flag of Saint George as the national flag of England.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday PC Delboy Odious speaking on behalf of the AoBPO said. "The current flag has too much white on it and no black at all. It is obvious that this flag was selected for England specifically to make black people feel excluded. I have been a police officer for many years and have an exemplary record of beating up unarmed protesters. Is it right that I have given my life to public service just to be alienated by the English national flag?

Speaking in support of PC Odious, Ali bin ali bin ali bin of the MCoB said "Not only are large areas of this flag white which also makes us feel alienated. It also contains the colour red which is offensive to muslims. I personally am a moderate muslim and a man of peace but mark my words if we don't get what we want I wouldn't be surprised if some of our more passionate brothers start blowing this blasphemous flag up."

Mr Ali bin ali bin ali bin continued "The AoBPO and the MCoB have worked long and hard on bringing the English flag up to date and make it relevant to England in the 21st century. We have come up with a design which will please everyone. The design is of such universal appeal that only a racist could find fault with it. I personally am a moderate muslim and a man of peace but mark my words if we don't get what we want I wouldn't be surprised if some of our more passionate brothers start blowing up people who speak out against this new inclusive flag."

At this point the press conference erupted in chaos as PC Odious noticed one of the press core was holding a carton of orange juice. He lept from the stage and beat the reporter to the ground with his night stick. The IPCC has been quick to clear PC Odious of any wrong-doing for the hospitalisation of the reporter. PC Odious claimed to have mistaken the carton of orange juice for a Kalashnikov assault rifle and stated that he was in fear of his life when he set about the reporter.

All three main party leaders have promised to make consideration of adopting the new flag a priority if they win the election.

Proposed new English flag

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I must confess I find football and its exponents tedious to say the least but if the headline on the BBC news website is anything to go by I would probably have liked to watch this game.

Just a fairy story??

Once upon a time there was a simpleton called Jack. He lived with his mother on a farm in the countryside. The farm had fallen on hard times and Jack's mother had no money for food or heating. She decided that the time had come to sell her only remaining asset, a cow.

She sent Jack off to market to sell the cow for as much as he could. On his way to market Jack came across Herman the tinker. After a few beers Jack swapped the cow for a handful of magic beans. When he got home and showed his mum the beans she went ballistic. She beat the living crap out of Jack and threw the beans out the window.

Jack went to bed with tears in his eyes and an empty belly. When he woke up in the morning a giant beanstalk had grown where his mother had thrown the beans. Jack being an inquisitive lad decided to climb the beanstalk. He climbed and climbed and eventually reached the top and followed a winding path to a giant's castle. He entered the castle and started to explore. In one room he found a chicken sitting on a clutch of golden eggs. Just then Jack heard very loud footsteps coming his way accompanied by the obligatory Fi Fi Fo Fum etc etc.

Jack grabbed the chicken and legged it out of the castle and down the beanstalk. When he got to the bottom he grabbed his trusty chainsaw and cut down the beanstalk to stop the giant following him.

The chicken laid enough golden eggs to clear all the farms debts and everyone lived happily ever after.

I have had confirmation from another of my sources within the government that this is Labour's current plan for ending the recession should they win the election.

Heinz, HP foods and numerous farmers have confirmed to me that they have all been contacted by a Mr A. Darling of London regarding where he might obtain some magic beans or if they know of anyone who has a surplus of beans and is in need of a cow. Harriet Harman has strenuously denied that New Labour plan to swap her for a handful of beans.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ship Ahoy

Dear Mr Brown

As a result of the Icelandic ash cloud my family and I are currently stuck in a strange place with very little money and no way to fly home. I read in the English papers that you would be sending Navy ships to rescue UK citizens stranded away from home. We have therefore made the long trek form our holiday resort to the nearest seaport.

We are unable to afford hotel accommodation as prices here are very high and me and my family have had to resort to begging on the streets just to be able to pay for a family room in a rough guest house down by the docks. This is frequented by some very dodgy looking sailors and we feel very unsafe.

We have now been stuck in this godforsaken place for 3 days and I am beginning to wonder if we will ever get home. Meanwhile I have heard from my employer that I need to return to work as soon as possible because I am the only teacher at my school properly qualified to teach the Diversity module of our Citizenship program.

Could you therefore advise me when the Royal Navy will be arriving in Lowestoft and how they propose to get me and my family home to Norwich. Having made my way from Great Yarmouth to Lowestoft under my own steam I think the least you can do is to send an aircraft carrier to get us the rest of the way home safely.

Yours sincerely
Eustace Wastospace

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I watched Avatar the other day. It is brilliant, one of the funniest films I have seen in a long time. Problem is, apparently, it isn't meant to be a comedy, which in turn makes it rather tragic.

Boring, boring, boring, tree huggers versus nasty corporations, and they see no irony in this as the theme of a mainstream Hollywood film distributed by Fox? God save us from these hypocritical luvvies who would die before giving up their air conditioning, swimming pools and SUVs but feel compelled to tell the rest of us how we should live.

Cameron says there will be a sequel and maybe even a third film. So why not bring in the Alien or Predator franchise. I'd love to see how the lovely giant, blue, tree hugging, cat people get on against Aliens/Predators or even Apone's space marines.

If you want some sci-fi don’t bother with Avatard have a read of Live Free or Die by John Ringo.

One final thought; If I was an evil corporate type working on a far away planet populated by a bunch of primitive cat people who like to plug their hair into things I’d set up 240 volt electrical sockets all over the place. Problem solved. Then again maybe it was just me that was rooting for the corporation to win this one.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

British Jobs for British Workers

I have discovered through one of my numerous sources that Polish President Lech Kaczynski is not in fact dead. It turns out his death was faked to get him out of his crappy job in Poland so he can come to the UK to take Gordon Brown's job.