Friday, May 21, 2010

Is she expecting sympathy?

If you haven't read this and/or this yet you should do so immediately.

Some may call it schadenfreude but I don't speak German so I will just have to make do with saying that I sometimes derive pleasure from the misfortune of others and admit that I laughed till my head exploded and then laughed some more.

Cutting Your Cloth

I had a nasty letter from my bank manager yesterday. I have reproduced the contents below.

Dear Mr. Rex

Re Your loan application and overdraft extension.

It has been brought to my attention that your account with our bank has a considerable negative balance. On top of that you have a number of pre-existing loans which you are currently unable to service.

One has to question why you felt it appropriate to apply for yet another loan. Had this been a case of consolidating your other loans into a single larger loan payable over a longer term the bank may have looked upon your application more favourably. Unfortunately I cannot see any merit in you borrowing more money so you can, in your words, send it to your friends in Africa. I must therefore decline your loan application at this time.

With regard to your request for a larger overdraft facility. I must confess that I can see some merit in this application wanting to provide your family with good health care insurance is a noble idea. Unfortunately the premiums you are required to pay are excessively high. Having spoken to your medical insurer I understand that you have been allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to claim on your policy rather than restricting it to members of your immediate family which your policy was intended to cover. Under the circumstances I have no option but to decline your request on this matter.

In closing I would point out that the country is not in good financial shape at the moment and we must all cut our cloth according to our purse. Your purse does not stretch to giving money to your poor friends in foreign countries or paying for the health care for anyone who wanders by. While I sympathise with your claim that you had lots of money which was stolen by a scotsman it is now something of a moot point and you need to move on.

Yours Sincerely
J. Arthur Banker

Spacco and Numbnuts

Wenlock and Mandeville, more like Spacco and Numbnuts. While the London 2012 Olympic committee and their hangers on are doubtless wetting them selves with self congratulation after the unveiling of the, frankly embarrassing, 2012 mascots the rest of the world is wetting itself laughing, and here and here and here.

I don't know why these events need a mascot but if we must have one couldn't we just wrap some tinsel round a goat, a lion or even a child like army regiments and football teams do?

I notice there is no Union Flag or Cross of St George on these masterpieces of the creative arts. Mustn't upset the immigrants or the religion of peace. Like the muslims would notice, they are too busy trying to track down and kill people who draw pictures they don't like.

Personally I would like to think that Spacco and Numbnuts are the result of an artist with a very, very wicked sense of humour. I know however that this is not the case and we are supposed to take these seriously. Just like we were supposed to take the 2012 logo seriously. Sorry but all I can see when I look at the logo is Lisa Simpson on her knees doing something very rude. At least Lisa seems to be indulging in a heterosexual activity. What are these two gay phallic characatures supposed to say about the UK?

My first reaction, on seeing the mascots, was "these remind me of something". What they remind me of is the Krotchy Doll from Postal 2.

Bring back World Cup Willie. Strong, determined and with a bloody great Union Flag on his chest.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Death From a Plug

Two people were killed and twenty five injured in London yesterday. What was first suspected to be a terrorist attack turned out to be the result of a forgetful driver.

Ms. Clarissa Beardy had forgotten to wind in the recharge cable on her new plug in Prius before beginning her journey to work at the Department of Environment and Climate Scammery. As a result the 2 dead people became tangled in the cable and were dragged along the road to their deaths. Most of the injured were hit by the 13amp plug on the end of the cable which bounced about dangerously as the car traveled along busy London streets.

Ms. Beardy was initially arrested by the police but was released without charge when it was realised that she was only trying to save the planet and the 2 dead people were discovered to be climate change skeptics.

A spokesperson for the Met police said, "The important thing is that Ms. Beardy wasn't speeding during the incident and although damaged the 13 amp plug can be replaced."

When questioned by the press about the incident Ms. Beardy said "I was mortified when the police stopped me and I realised what had happened. It was a great relief when I heard the the two dead people were deniers. My conscience is clean just like my driving license"

The relatives of the deceased have been reported to the UN for consideration of prosecuting them for aiding and abetting climate skepticism.

Friday, May 14, 2010

It's is pronounced ARSE

Kick Ass

Despite it's name this film is not about animal cruelty. Damned colonials.

This was another film about which I knew nothing before sitting down to watch it. I am also not familiar with the graphic novel.

To start off I wasn't impressed. During the first 10 minutes it looked like nothing more than another juvenile American teen comedy. The lead roll seemed to be that of a cretin who enjoyed running round dressed like a weird Norwich city supporter. Yes I know all Norwich City supporters are weird, this bloke just looks a bit more weird.

It got better. In some places it got much, much better. Nicholas Cage turned up in the role of Big Daddy. The first scene featuring Cage is superb and his take off of Adam West's Batman was really good and quite comical. Hit-Girl (Chloƫ Moretz) was excellent. The idea of a small 11/12 year old girl beating the living daylights out of nasty gangsters seems silly but it works in the context of the film and is funny to boot.

There was some British interest among the cast. Mark Strong was the baddy Frank D'Amico with Dexter Fletcher as one of his henchmen along with a few other familiar faces. Fletcher's character dies by being crushed in a big yellow Range Rover, which for some reason reminded me of Layer Cake.

There is a good bit of violence in the film. Some lib dems/warmists/guardianistas and other wet wusses may find the site of Hit-Girl stabbing, shooting and generally slaughtering bad guys in nasty ways upsetting. Not to mention the scene involving the industrial size microwave.You should not find this upsetting you should find it amusing and sometimes even funny. If you don't there is something wrong with you.

The film definitely has high points and a few places where it drags especially during the longish periods when Big Daddy and Hit-Girl were not on the screen. There are a few good tunes in the soundtrack. Backing Hit-Girl's first slaughterfest with The Dickies version of the Banana Splits theme put a big smile on my face.

I would rate this film :- Funny, violent, not quite kick arse enough but worth a watch.

Also have a watch of Defendor (Woody Harelson) a similar theme handled a little differently.

Poster Child

Looks like McDoom has chosen a career in product endorsement to supliment his meager MPs salary now that he has been forcibly ejected from number 10.

Friday, May 7, 2010


As you may have noticed this is not a sweary blog but on some occasions there is no other way to convey the correct sentiment succinctly. So......

Gordon you lost the election, you got your arse kicked. Even before the election you had no mandate. The country has, at last, had it's say and the message is clear. You are not wanted.

So pick up what is left of your moral compass and just fuck off.

If it's good enough for McSnot

Dear Mr Camelot

Myself, my son and my neighbour all bought lottery tickets for last Wednesday night's draw. Unfortunately none of us had sufficient winning numbers to be declared the jackpot winner. However we each had 2 winning numbers. By pooling the numbers on our tickets we have between us all 6 winning numbers.

I have spoken to my son and my neighbour and we have agreed to share our numbers. When can we expect to be declared the winners and receive our winnings?


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Gender Blender Agenda??

Thanks to my mole within the BBC I have an advanced copy of the contents an internal BBC email to be sent by Mark Thompson to all BBC staff. Enjoy......

Good morning troops.

I know we are all very disappointed this morning. We did our best to get Gordon re-elected but the public was just too blind to see past his many failings and perceive the promise he held for the future. Even our last best hope, Nick failed to pull in enough votes from the ignorant plebs. Why won't these people just think and do what we tell them?

While we are all crushed by the ridiculous election result we must remember we all have jobs to do. It is only 5 years, at the most, till the next election so we need to start getting the public's "mind right" so we can be sure of a Labour victory next time.

I know last nights result will have affected everyone within the organisation and that some of us will feel the pain more deeply than others. I have had a series of meetings with the HR Director and agreed that for the next 2 months Post Election Depression will be accepted as a legitimate excuse for taking sick leave (paid naturally). I have also arranged for councilors to be available to anyone who feels that they need professional help to get over their disappointment. To reduce our sense of loss to acceptable levels I have arranged for each team within the corporation to have 2 weeks team building in Hawaii. I have also had everyone's cocaine and rent boy allowance increased by 100% for the next 3 months.

While most of you will currently be feeling that there is no point in carrying on I would remind you that there is still some hope. We have global warming, glorification of islam, multiculturalism and our pro gender bender agenda to keep us going.

So come on everyone, take the time you need to mourn then come back, when you are ready, and we can work together to get the only political party worth the name back into power.

Long live Labour

Mark Thompson
Director General.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Party Time

The parasites at the BBC take £145.50 a year from me and millions of other folk. With all that money they produce completely crappy TV and radio and this.

Hung Parliament hangman, hmmmmm, guess it's the best they can hope for with the snot gobbling bigot heading Labour.

Have a look at the Buzzword Bingo, I think there are a few terms missing here, electoral fraud, trougher and misled parliament spring to mind. I notice they include the term "Victim of the Expenses Scandal" referring to the criminal MPs not allowed to strand this time due to their own greed. The victims of the expenses scandal were the tax paying public. An interesting insight into the BBCs mindset perhaps?

Where is the Lord Pearson mask, where is the Nick Griffin mask? Who the hell would want to wear a Gordon Brown mask?

The BBC can hype this non event of an election as much as they want. It doesn't change the fact that the winners will be just another lot of self obsessed troughers and the TAX PAYING public will be the losers.

Blind man takes brail bible to Alcatraz then dies

The Book of Eli

I knew NOTHING about this film before sitting down to watch it. The film started off well, post apocalypse landscapes, wanderers wandering, looking to survive. Interesting, let's see where they go with this.

A couple of minutes in it all started to go wrong. First I realised it was Denzel in the lead role, oh dear. The first encounter with other wasteland dwellers and Denzel's super martial arts skills, oh dear, oh dear. After that it was pretty much, ah well, hummmm, errr, ah. Which inevitably lead to a conclusion of "What a load of old crap". Oh and he turns out to be blind which is really silly.

There are a few good bits, seeing Michael Gambon and Frances de la Tour gunned down was nice, pity Dame Judy wasn't there to get it between the eyes too. Also a bit unusual to see the Bible shown in a positive light.

Oh and if I'd "written" the music for this, especially at the beginning of the film I'd be living in dread of a call from Pink Floyd's lawyers.

All in all I would rate this film - Crap.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cigarettes make your curtains smelly

Heath warnings on cigarette packs are a bit crap so here is my take on them