The UK Government announced today that it will implement most of the recommendations of the recent report produced by the Climate Care Alliance entitled "Only Planet Hating Bastards Drink Fizzy Pop".
The report which was compiled by the Alliance’s scientific research unit based at Trumpington Primary School was unveiled at a star studded media event on the pacific paradise of Vanuatu. Thousands of concerned and interested climate warriors risked ever rising sea levels to be flown-in specially for the report's official publication.
The report highlights the dangers to the environment of the consumption of drinks containing large amounts of CO2. The report makes stark reading for fizzy drink manufacturers. They are accused of helping big oil hoodwink the public about the amount of CO2 they produce by hiding large amounts of it in fizzy pop.
The main thrust of the report focuses on the amounts of CO2 released into the atmosphere when fizzy pop containers are opened . The Climate Care Alliance are the first team of climate researchers to focus on this previously unexplored threat to human survival.
Using the latest climate modeling software available for the Nintendo DS the Alliance has emphatically proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that opening cans and bottles of fizzy pop releases huge amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere directly causing global warming, anthropogenic climate change, drought, famine, floods, avalanches and general gloom and despondency. The report further states that there is some evidence that fizzy pop may be responsible for earthquakes. The Alliance stresses that their findings in this area were not conclusive and needed further research which would require further government funding.
Many of the reports findings are cause for serious concern to mankind.
1. Every time a bottle of Panda pop is opened an angel dies.
2. For every 2 litre bottle of Tango opened an acre of rainforest disappears for EVER. The Earth knows when it's been Tango'd.
3. If everybody in China opened a fizzy pop container at the same time all the Himalayan glaciers would melt within days, and Holland would be completely inundated by the North Sea within35 minutes.
4. The Indonesian tsunami was caused by a large group of Australians carelessly opening bottles of pop during a barbecue on Bondai Beach. The Australian government has hotly refuted this claim because, in the words of the Australian culture minister, "This pommie bastard must be a real gallah if he thinks Aussies drink fizzy pop at barbys. Haven't ya heard of Chardonnay ya pommie puff?"
Speaking at the unveiling of the report the leader of the research team Tarquin Richbastardskid said “The science on this is settled, the increase in the production and consumption of fizzy pop correlates exactly with the increase in temperatures as shown by the world renowned Hockey Stick graph. People who continue to drink fizzy pop in today’s enlightened times are the same sort of people who bombed Dresden and nuked Nagasaki and they be treated accordingly.” Pressed to justify this statement he replied “Look our research proves that anyone who does not agree with us is a Nazi. My grandfather fought the Nazi’s from the cellar under his stately home in Berkshire and I vow here and now to follow his example”
The government has been quick to act on the report by bringing forward legislation which will make the production, sale and possession of fizzy pop a criminal offense punishable by a £250,000 fine, 5 years in prison and forfeiture of all personal assets. When questioned about the severity of the punishment Hilary Benn said “The evil planet killing bastard produce, push and use these ghastly so called "soft drink products" should be treated like the nazi drug pushing pimps they are.”
MPs will be exempt from the new legislation.