Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's All For A Good Cause

OK I give up. The constant barrage of demands from the government to give money to Pakistan to help with the floods has finally worn me down. I'm ready to donate.

Can someone let me know how to send my money to the taliban that are threatening to shoot UN aid workers?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Flossy Rose Dandelion

Sad news for the sprog producing Camerons this evening.

Because the child was born in Cornwall Prince Charles is claiming the baby as his property. He also announced that the baby's name will be changed from Florence Rose Endellion to Duchy Original Kid. Charles has also claimed the placenta which will feature in the filling of a new range of Duchy Original pasties, available exclusively from Waitrose.

Time for bed said Zebedee.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Beware of Lying Bastards Bearing Gifts

So the twunt that is Blair has donated money from his book to the Royal British Legion. What I find so difficult to believe is that some normally sensible bloggers and commenters are taking this at face value and crediting him with some genuine empathy.

Jesus H Christ, I take a couple of weeks away from the net and you lot loose your marbles. We are talking about BLIAR here, remember, the worst prime minister ever, well till Brown took over anyway. The man is mentally and physically incapable of doing anything which does not benefit himself. He is a modern career politician, what more do you need to know for god's sake.

To those that say he is doing it to salve his guilty conscience, I say bwahahahahahahahaha, Bliar, conscience, don't be so bloody naive.

Admittedly I haven't worked out what the benefit is yet but you can bet your bollocks there is one and it will reveal itself before too much longer.

I see the spectre of a proper inquiry into the dodgy death of Dr. Kelly approaching.

Jonah Hearts Parkistarn*

The UN announced today that it has given up trying to raise money for the wet folk in Parkistarn*.

Commenting on the collapse of the UN effort General Secretary Wan-Ki-Ban-Ki Moon said "The appeal was going quite well, we had raised nearly half the money Parkistarn* needs, excluding our commission of course. Then Jonah McBroon spoke in support of our efforts and we knew we were screwed. So we gave up on the fund raising and gave ourselves a pay rise instead"

* Judging by the BBC preferred pronunciation I can only assume that this is now the correct spelling.

Thugs on Film

And this is what you get for not wearing a seat-belt in our brave, new Cleggeron nirvana.

I will hazard a guess that the two vicious bastards in uniform who were suspended over this will have a nice few weeks off on full pay while an investigations decides that criminal charges are unnecessary or not in the public interest or that there is insufficient evidence.

I predict an outcome involving nothing more than words of advice and a statement from the Gwent Stasi which includes some twaddle about lessons being learned.

Original Telegraph article is here

The Final Straw (hopefully)

Police in Blackburn have warned parents that a predatory pedophile and serial flasher will be returning to the streets of the town after spending the last 31 years lining his pockets while preying on children and women in that London and the wider UK.

The prolific sex offender who cannot be named for legal reasons has said that despite rumours to the contrary he has no intention of returning to Blackburn because it is up north so it is a depressing place and it is full of funny looking brown people who dress in weird clothes.

Pervert or not?
I think you can tell just by looking at him.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I'm having a few days off work and I'm busy researching the Freeman movement so blogging will be light to non existent this week.

Anyway here's a couple of old animated gifs I did for a website many moons ago. Although they are of 2006 vintage 2 of them are still very relevant. The last one is purely because Gomez don't like cats.

Update, it seems you need to click on the pic to get them to animate. Probably me doing something wrong.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Trials of George

So Naomi Campbell, George Taylor and Nelson Mandela were having dinner together.

Naomi gets a sack of blood diamonds, as ya do.

Naomi says they were from Charles Taylor.

Charles Taylor says they weren't.

Naomi says she gave them to Nelsons' charity.

Nelson says she didn't.

So the questions for Inspector Knacker of the yard are:-

Who has the diamonds?

Who got laid?

Who should be on trial?

Is Naomi really as vacuous as she sounds?

Umbrella Organisation Appeals for Pakistan Floods Aid.

Translated from an article on the BBC news site

DEC launches TV and radio Pakistan flooding appeal

British charities are launching a radio and TV campaign to raise funds. Times are hard

The Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC) - an umbrella organisation** of 13 UK bleeding heart pinko organisations - will broadcast the appeals later.

The UN says six hundred million billion people have been affected by the floods, with at least 48 million poor lovely fluffy muslims killed.

Any cretins who don't realise that the UK government has already given £10 million pounds of taxpayers money can donate even more of their money by post, text message, at the Post Office and banks.

The TV and radio appeal will be presented by journalist and Stockholm Syndrome sufferer, John McCarthy.

The aid organisation, Smug Doctors of the World, has been working in Pakistan for nearly 15 years, but doesn't seem to have achieved much, are based on the outskirts of the worst-affected area.

Its director, Susan Wright, described some of the difficulties the aid money would be used to tackle.

She said: "After the flooding there's the initial, unfortunate, but expected deaths that come from the flooding itself.

"Then there is... a kind of second wave of problems. If the airfields have been damaged the planes flying in our copies of the Guardian have nowhere to land. It becomes very difficult to get supplies of organic, free trade hummus and a really good frappuccino is almost impossible to find

"Then, as we've heard quite a bit about, the fear of outbreaks. Our real fear is that there will be an outbreak of common sense amongst the British public. They might realise what a bunch of tossers we really are and stop sending us money. We are very concerned that if this happens we may be forced to get real jobs.

"So we have to do what ever we can to work with water purification systems - and that's the great irony of flooding: that it causes these kinds of problems and yet there's this very difficult access to Perrier or Evian."

Further rain slowed the relief effort on Tuesday as aid agencies decided that to send their workers out in the rain breached health and safety rules.

They have warned that hundreds of thousands of people are awaiting help because they are too used to getting aid and are too lazy to get off their backsides and help themselves.

Director of Policy at Save the Children, David Mepham, said people were using "ingenious" ways to get help through, including using helicopters, boats and donkeys.

He added that people could "feel very confident" their donations would be used to assist those employed in charities affected
by UK government cuts.

In some affected areas, there were protests at the government's perceived inaction. The Pakistan army has largely defected to the Taliban.

Despite demands for him to return to Pakistan, President Zardari is pressing ahead with his schedule of diplomatic visits to European nations.

Mr Zardari has also been snared in an open disagreement with dhimi Dave over his country's lack of commitment to fighting terrorism and the Taliban.

So far:

* ActionAid is working with its partners to help more than 23,000 people in the Punjab by providing them with copies of the Koran, AK47 Assault rifles and maps of the British Army locations in Afghanistan.

* The British Red Cross has released £50,000 from its multi-billion disaster fund to provide burkas and other fancy dress outfits to needy pakistanis .

* CARE International has sent 11 truckloads of of prostitutes to the region.

* Christian Aid is working with its partner agencies to provide indian head massage and josticks to 50,000 people

* Concern has been carrying out assessments with local partners and has decided taht its best bet is to stay home and just collect contributions towards its Christams booze up..

* World Vision has distributed its entire stock of spectacles to victims of the flood. This has resulted in 4 flood victims being helped and a nice foreign jolly for 2000 staff from World Vision.


The funniest bit is that David Mepham, Director of Policy at Save the Children thinks using boats, helicopters and donkeys to deliver aid is "ingenious". No David, using anti-gravity pads, flying cars, levitation and fruit bats would be ingenious, you mundane retard.

** What use is an umbrella organisation now that the rain has stopped.
I know most of you got the joke from the title but as an equal opportunity blogger I have to cater for the hard of thinking too.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Give me some of that old time religion

Dear President Zardari

Thank you for your letter regarding the recent floods in your country. As a Christian I sympathise with all those who have lost friends and relatives due to the inclement weather.

We should however remember that the intense rain and the resulting floods are the work of God. It is clear that these floods are a punishment from the Lord for your adherence to your non-Christian religion. You should see it as a sign and mend your ways.

Regarding your request for aid. Unfortunately I am unable to provide funds as to do so would be to go against the work of God. In effect I would be aiding those who persecute his followers and deny his omnipotence. Instead of holding your hand out for money again you should raise your faces to heaven and prey to the one true God and you shall receive salvation.

Instead of money I am able to offer you and many of your countrymen copies of the bible so that you may read the word of God and turn your face towards him that he may accept you unto him.

If you continue to turn from him disasters like these floods and the Indonesian Tsunami are going to keep happening. On top of that when you die you are bound for an eternity of damnation in the fiery pit of hell itself, where fiery demons shall unleash all manner of horrors upon thy posterior and various other places.

Your god and his self exploding “martyrs” just aren’t in the same league matey.

Anyway I must close now as I need to have a few serious words with some dodgy looking Buddhists, I’ll give them bloody karma.

Let me know about the bibles.

May the Lord be with you.

Max Savage
Archbishop of Canterbury.

Monday, August 2, 2010

One Volunteer is Better Than..........

Dear Lord Coe of Smarm

I was very excited to read that you are now asking for people to sign up as Olympic volunteers. I am a person with very low self esteem who is happy to give up my time to act as an unpaid skivvy while the likes of yourself, the athletes and various olympically connected parasites do very nicely, thank you. I can't wait to sign up, if necessary I am happy to pay for the honour of being an Olympic volunteer.

Whilst I would be happy to fulfill any role which your lordly wonderfulness sees fit I would ask that you give consideration to allowing me to perform one of the roles described below :-

1 - Helping athletes, inject their steroids,

2 - Supplying under-endowed male athletes with rolled up socks to put down the front of their tight running outfits

3 - Shaving the female athletes who have taken too many steroids

4 - Wiping Chris Hoy's arse, as he is obviously too rich and important to do it himself these days.

5 - Running behind Paula Radcliffe with a bucket in case she needs to piss in the street again before retiring from yet another race which she isn't being paid to run.

6 - Being a footstool for important Olympic committee members attending the event.

7 - Providing "clean" urine samples to athletes as necessary

8 - Checking that female South African athletes are really women.

I would also be grateful if you would ensure that I do not have to work on anything connected with women’s gymnastic events, the paedo's who gather to watch this really give me the creeps.

Oh, and finally, I won't be available for the para/special olympics or whatever they are called. The site of all those spackers and ginkers wandering about the place with bits missing really freaks me out.

Yours sincerely

Eustace Wastospace