Sunday, February 28, 2010

Let us Pray

Our planet which art in danger,
Gaia be thy name.
my carbon be none,
dioxide be gone,
in kyota and in Copenhagen.
Kill us this day a dirty denier,
and forgive not the skeptics,
as we persecute those who speak out against us.
Show us how to hide the decline,
and deliver us big funding.
For mine is the religion,
the church of great warming
for ever and ever

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pop goes the Planet

The UK Government announced today that it will implement most of the recommendations of the recent report produced by the Climate Care Alliance entitled "Only Planet Hating Bastards Drink Fizzy Pop".

The report which was compiled by the Alliance’s scientific research unit based at Trumpington Primary School was unveiled at a star studded media event on the pacific paradise of Vanuatu. Thousands of concerned and interested climate warriors risked ever rising sea levels to be flown-in specially for the report's official publication.

The report highlights the dangers to the environment of the consumption of drinks containing large amounts of CO2. The report makes stark reading for fizzy drink manufacturers. They are accused of helping big oil hoodwink the public about the amount of CO2 they produce by hiding large amounts of it in fizzy pop.

The main thrust of the report focuses on the amounts of CO2 released into the atmosphere when fizzy pop containers are opened . The Climate Care Alliance are the first team of climate researchers to focus on this previously unexplored threat to human survival.

Using the latest climate modeling software available for the Nintendo DS the Alliance has emphatically proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that opening cans and bottles of fizzy pop releases huge amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere directly causing global warming, anthropogenic climate change, drought, famine, floods, avalanches and general gloom and despondency. The report further states that there is some evidence that fizzy pop may be responsible for earthquakes. The Alliance stresses that their findings in this area were not conclusive and needed further research which would require further government funding.

Many of the reports findings are cause for serious concern to mankind.
1. Every time a bottle of Panda pop is opened an angel dies.
2. For every 2 litre bottle of Tango opened an acre of rainforest disappears for EVER. The Earth knows when it's been Tango'd.
3. If everybody in China opened a fizzy pop container at the same time all the Himalayan glaciers would melt within days, and Holland would be completely inundated by the North Sea within35 minutes.
4. The Indonesian tsunami was caused by a large group of Australians carelessly opening bottles of pop during a barbecue on Bondai Beach. The Australian government has hotly refuted this claim because, in the words of the Australian culture minister, "This pommie bastard must be a real gallah if he thinks Aussies drink fizzy pop at barbys. Haven't ya heard of Chardonnay ya pommie puff?"

Speaking at the unveiling of the report the leader of the research team Tarquin Richbastardskid said “The science on this is settled, the increase in the production and consumption of fizzy pop correlates exactly with the increase in temperatures as shown by the world renowned Hockey Stick graph. People who continue to drink fizzy pop in today’s enlightened times are the same sort of people who bombed Dresden and nuked Nagasaki and they be treated accordingly.” Pressed to justify this statement he replied “Look our research proves that anyone who does not agree with us is a Nazi. My grandfather fought the Nazi’s from the cellar under his stately home in Berkshire and I vow here and now to follow his example

The government has been quick to act on the report by bringing forward legislation which will make the production, sale and possession of fizzy pop a criminal offense punishable by a £250,000 fine, 5 years in prison and forfeiture of all personal assets. When questioned about the severity of the punishment Hilary Benn said “The evil planet killing bastard produce, push and use these ghastly so called "soft drink products" should be treated like the nazi drug pushing pimps they are.”

MPs will be exempt from the new legislation.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Did Rockstar know?

Is it just me or does the bloke on the right bear a striking resemblance to a certain resident of 10 Downing street. Did Rockstar Games know something we didn't?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Nasty Nasty Mossad

As one of the BBCs favourite internet personalities Deniersaurus-Rex was included on the distribution list of the advanced publicity list for the corporations latest prestigeous new series. So I thought it only reasonable that I let my faithful reader have a look at the details contained in the limited circulation press release. So dear reader read on......

From the Office of Mark Thompson - Director General of the BBC

In the wake of the recent slaughter of the wonderful peace negotiator and activist Mahmoud al-Mabhouh by Mossad. The BBC decided to delve further into the murky doings of the Israeli secret service known as Mossad. Using our international network of impartial ivestigative journalists we have gathered a huge amount of evidence on the activities of the evil that is Mossad. Drawing on irrefutable evidence from impeachable sources such as Hamas, Fatah, The Muslim Brotherhood, Islam 4 UK and the Metropolitan police's own Association of Black Police Officers this new series of documentaries will provide compelling evidence of the terrorism perpetrated on the world by Mossad at the behest of the evil state of Israel. At this time I can only pass on specific details of the first 3 episodes as the rest are still in production.

Episode 1 - Orla Guerin will present an episode in which she provides concrete evidence that Mossad abducted Madeleine McCann from her parents holiday apartment in Portugal. Using evidence provided exclusively to her by her many contacts in the Hamas peace brotherhood Orla will show how Madeleine was spirited out of Portugal and delivered to a Mosad training camp in the Occupied West Bank for indoctrination and training into Mossad's youth wing. A part of Mossad which can be proved to have carried out numerous murders of innocent Palestinian activists. In an emotionally charged final scene Orla and Madeliene's mother Kate shed REAL tears over Maddie's fate.

Episode 2 - George Galloway will present a facinting insite into the involvement of Mossad in the assassination of John F Kennedy in Dallas in 1963. George will prove that Lee Harvey Oswald was in fact blind and so could not have shot Kennedy. He will provide documentary evidence that Jack Ruby (a JEW) was a Mossad agent who killed Oswald to stop the assassination being investigated properly. Further he will show on camera the contract for the construction of the grassy knoll complete with underground sniper nest from where 2 Mossad agents shot Kenedy. You will be able to see for yourself that the contract was signed by David Ben-Gurion.

Episode 3 - Jenny Tonge is your host for episode 3. Jenny investigates the truth behind Mossad's activities during WWII. Her programme will show for the first time what we at the BBC have suspected for a long time. Adolf Hitler was a secret JEW who started WWII with the specific purpose of creating a Jewish homeland in the middle east. She will further show that all the jews who suffered in the holocaust were Mossad volunteers who shared Hitler's desire for a Jewish homeland.

Further episodes will feature Mel Gibson on the real story behind Braveheart and how Mossad colluded with the evil English to kill William Wallace. Gordon Brown on how Mossad and the American banks ruined our economy and how David Cameron became a secret Jew just like Hitler and is probably in Mossad. Ken Livingston on Mossad's role in having him replaced as London mayor by Boris Johnson. The series will climax with an episode in which Jeremy Bowen reveals previously secret Jewish religious scriptures which mandate the eating of human flesh (especially babies) during their weird unnatural religious ceremonies.

As well as the main strand which will be screened simultaneously during primetime on all BBC TV and radio stations there will be a spin off on Cbebees which will inform the younger audience of Mossad's involvement in the deaths of Humpty Dumpty, Bambi, Cock Robin and Maude Flanders. Despite covering such unpleasant subjects as Mossad and Israel these programmes will be presented in a gentle thoughtful manner that allows even the youngest viewer to understand how evil Jews really are.

This series will be the definitive work on the evils of Mossad and will reinforce the BBC's reputation for honesty, impartiality and truth.

Mark Thompson - Director General of the BBC

Friday, February 19, 2010

Harman Grabs Cock

Minister for women, and a woman’s right to crash while talking on a mobile, Harriet Harman, has announced the latest government initiative to improve equality for women. The Penis Re-allocation Bill was hailed by Miss Harman as a huge step forward for the rights of women.

Speaking of her enthusiasm for the “soon to be” law Miss Harman said “From time immemorial men have been in control of penises. This has been fundamentally unfair to women. Why should one woman receive 10 to 12 inches of erection during sex whilst others have to make do with receiving 3 or 4 inches? It is a woman's right to receive equality of satisfaction”

Under the new legislation the standard size of the British penis will be set at 5.5 inches and all men will be required to have a penis which is within .125 inches of the standard. This will obviously necessitate the enlarging of some penises and a reduction in the size of others. Questioned on the practicalities of this Harman replied “A snip here a chop there a few stitches and hey presto a more equal world for women.”

There has been speculation in the press regarding the new standard penis size. The current average in the UK is a little over 6 inches. Questions have been asked as to the disparity between the current average and the new standard. Miss Harman informed the Commons last week that setting the new standard below the current average would leave enough penile scraps to allow any woman who wanted a penis of her very own to have one. She added that a late amendment to the bill will grant every woman in the UK the right to have their own penis.

When questioned on how this would be funded Miss Harman explained “It was mens choice to maintain control of the world supply of penises in a deliberate attempt to discriminate against women. So it is only fair that men pay for the surgery out of their own pockets.”

She went on to explain that her department had carried out extensive negotiations with health care companies to obtain the best possible deal for the tax payer and that as a result the contract to perform the necessary re-allocation of penile inches had been awarded to Dromey Veterinary Services.

A recent poll on the new law, carried out on behalf of the BBC by the CRU at the UEA showed that this was the most popular piece of legislation ever to hit the statute book. Some selfish mens groups have seen fit to speak out against the legislation. Fathers for Justice members have vowed to boycott the new law (or at least the ones with more than the standard number of inches have) saying “We will not tolerate such Orwellian excesses from a government run by an unelected one eyed git.” He then detailed the organizations plans to demonstrate against the law by scaling tall buildings and displaying their non standard todgers to all and sundry. The spokesman refused to drawn on the question of whether the group would be changing its name to Flashers for Justice.

During an earlier press conference Miss Harman was asked how the new law would affect her husband. She responded that she had never seen her husbands penis and wasn’t really sure he had one.

MPs are expected to be the largest per capita recipients of extra inches and will be able to claim the cost of surgery on their expenses.