Friday, February 24, 2012

Donald the Fig Tree

I see that fearless champion of the British Taxpayer John Bercow has come out fighting on our behalf. Mr. Bercow is a politician and a particularly nasty, slimy one at that so we at DRex decided not to take his words at face value and looked deeper. In our never ending struggle to bring you the truth we decided to get the real skinny from one of the fig trees in question. After much persuasion we prevailed on Donald the Fig Tree (DtFT) to give us a brief interview :-

DRex - So Donald Mr Bercow thinks you are a waste of money

DtFT - I kinda resent that, £30,000 for 12 trees works out at only £2,500 each per year. Believe me you stand around here for very long, like us, and you will see so much waste 30 grand is less than a drop in the ocean.

DRex - But £2,500 is a lot of money it's even more than David Cameroon claims on expenses each week for having his face polished.

DtFT - Listen mate those blinds over there, electric they are £2 million they cost. They spent £110,000 on flowers in the last 3 years. You lot subsidise the bars and food for the troughers you call the political elite to the tune of £5.8 million a year. This building was supposed to cost £165 Million but ended up costing £235 million and you are moaning about a few thousand for trees.

DRex - Rubbish if it has been that expensive there would have been an outcry, an enquiry.

DtFT - Course there was and the report was finished in 2000, they just never published it.

DRex - I think you are making this up Donald I have read the BBC News report on what that nice Mr. Bercow is saying and it mentions nothing of this.

DtFT - No Shit Sherlock, you ever hear of a politician being honest?. We are being made scapegoats. Besides rumour has it the MPs wanted rid of us anyway to make room for their new gold plate sedan chairs, can't have them and their hangers on walking about the place like normal people can we?

DRex - Anyway Don me old mate looks like you are gonna be out of here soon. Will you miss the place.

DtFT - Don't be stupid we can't wait to get out of here.There used to be 30 of us. You see that empty space over there? My mate Mike used to be there then one day that Harman thing got too close to him and all his leaves fell off and his trunk drooped. There was no saving him, he's just wood chips on someones herbaceous border now. Similar happened to Georgina, she used to stand over there till one day Ken Clarke brushed against her, she died within hours, the rest went in similar fashion and now there are just 12 of us.

DRex - So it's pretty toxic in here for you trees.

DtFT - Hell yes but there is one good thing about this place, the bullshit. This place is so full of it we never went hungry.

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