Dear Lord Coe of Smarm
I was very excited to read that you are now asking for people to sign up as Olympic volunteers. I am a person with very low self esteem who is happy to give up my time to act as an unpaid skivvy while the likes of yourself, the athletes and various olympically connected parasites do very nicely, thank you. I can't wait to sign up, if necessary I am happy to pay for the honour of being an Olympic volunteer.
Whilst I would be happy to fulfill any role which your lordly wonderfulness sees fit I would ask that you give consideration to allowing me to perform one of the roles described below :-
1 - Helping athletes, inject their steroids,
2 - Supplying under-endowed male athletes with rolled up socks to put down the front of their tight running outfits
3 - Shaving the female athletes who have taken too many steroids
4 - Wiping Chris Hoy's arse, as he is obviously too rich and important to do it himself these days.
5 - Running behind Paula Radcliffe with a bucket in case she needs to piss in the street again before retiring from yet another race which she isn't being paid to run.
6 - Being a footstool for important Olympic committee members attending the event.
7 - Providing "clean" urine samples to athletes as necessary
8 - Checking that female South African athletes are really women.
I would also be grateful if you would ensure that I do not have to work on anything connected with women’s gymnastic events, the paedo's who gather to watch this really give me the creeps.
Oh, and finally, I won't be available for the para/special olympics or whatever they are called. The site of all those spackers and ginkers wandering about the place with bits missing really freaks me out.