Dear President Zardari
Thank you for your letter regarding the recent floods in your country. As a Christian I sympathise with all those who have lost friends and relatives due to the inclement weather.
We should however remember that the intense rain and the resulting floods are the work of God. It is clear that these floods are a punishment from the Lord for your adherence to your non-Christian religion. You should see it as a sign and mend your ways.
Regarding your request for aid. Unfortunately I am unable to provide funds as to do so would be to go against the work of God. In effect I would be aiding those who persecute his followers and deny his omnipotence. Instead of holding your hand out for money again you should raise your faces to heaven and prey to the one true God and you shall receive salvation.
Instead of money I am able to offer you and many of your countrymen copies of the bible so that you may read the word of God and turn your face towards him that he may accept you unto him.
If you continue to turn from him disasters like these floods and the Indonesian Tsunami are going to keep happening. On top of that when you die you are bound for an eternity of damnation in the fiery pit of hell itself, where fiery demons shall unleash all manner of horrors upon thy posterior and various other places.
Your god and his self exploding “martyrs” just aren’t in the same league matey.
Anyway I must close now as I need to have a few serious words with some dodgy looking Buddhists, I’ll give them bloody karma.
Let me know about the bibles.
May the Lord be with you.
Archbishop of Canterbury.