Friday, March 12, 2010

Worm Hole

The A14 through Cambridgeshire was closed today after scientists discovered that some of the larger potholes in the road are so big that they have developed their own ecosystem. Two of the larger holes now have their own micro-climate. Cambridgeshire residents have voiced their growing concerns about the state of the county's highways and there have been numerous reports of people mysteriously disappearing while using the A14 in particular.

Council officials have strenuously denied that they have been neglecting road maintenance and diverting the money to pay for the Councils growing army of outreach and diversity consultants workers and topping up their own pension funds. Head of Highways Mark Kamp said "This is not a case of us neglecting the roads. These holes are being deliberately left open as an experiment in traffic calming. Our studies show that the average speed of traffic along the A14 has reduced from 35Mph to 12Mph. This has to be good for all road users on this notoriously dangerous dual carriageway. Just because this is a trunk road through open countryside does not mean people should be able whiz along at 40mp or similar dangerous speeds."

Julie Spence, leading light in the association of Senior Women Police Officers organisation in the UK and around the world and Chief Constable of the Cambridgeshire farce was interviewed on local TV news recently. When questioned about the state of the counties roads she responded "Do you like my new uniform? I think women look really good in a uniform. Does this new skirt make my bum look big?"

It seems, however that the potholes have provided an ideal habitat for the development of several new species of animals. Professor Reg Smeaton of Cambridge University has described how he first discovered the eco diversity of the potholes when the minibus full of students he was traveling with accidentally fell into one of the holes.

Speaking of his discovery the Professor said "While waiting to be rescued we discovered several new species of creatures living in the pothole. Our studies in the laboratory showed that one of the new worm species had evolved from common worms but had developed teh ability to metabolise both carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide. These creatures literally live and indeed thrive on car exhaust gasses. This is not the only benefit of these creatures, our experiments show that not only do they extract carbon monoxide and dioxide from the atmosphere but as far as we have been able to tell the only matter they excrete as a result is a weak watery substance that, as far as we can tell is Budweiser. This is of course a harmless fluid which does no damage to anyone except those who drink it"

Initially dismissed as a crank Professor Smeaton's work has since been verified by several eminent experts in the field. Professor Nancy Gripps-Higgle of Durham University said recently "Professor Smeaton may have discovered the answer to the worlds carbon dioxide problem. These worms eat carbon dioxide and pee Budweiser. They also breed like sink estate chavs. Put 2 of them in a tank and before you can say "where's my giro?" you have a couple of hundred of them. I have successfully replicated all of teh Professors experiments and confirmed his findings. This is real."

Not everyone has taken quite so readily to the idea that these worms can solve the global warming problem. Al Gore and Rajendra Pachauri issued a joint statement in which they stated that "This whole business about carbon dioxide eating worms is a bunch of lies made up by big oil to divert the public's attention away from the real solutions. Wind power and carbon offsets are the only way to resolve this problem."

They went on "The people of the world don't want carbon dioxide eating, "beer" peeing worms. They want millions of wind turbines, higher taxes and heroes like us."

Monsanto's attempts to patent the carbon dioxide eating worm continue.

Anheuser-Busch has announced that it closing all it's breweries and diversifying into worm farming but emphasized that this would not affect the availability of it's premium beer brands.

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