Kippers of Doom

Hot on the heels of their demands to ban smoking in cars the Royal College of Physicians has set it's sights on what it sees as "The next evil to be eradicated". Professor John Britton, chairman of the Royal College's tobacco advisory group, said "There is no room in a modern, enlightened society for production and sale of smoked foodstuffs. Our children would be better off eating nuclear waste than kippers"

The Society's Head of Bansturbation, professor Michael Stoatsexer explained the Society's position on Radio 4's Toady programme this morning. He said "Our extensive research, which was carried out last weekend, shows that not only does the consumption of smoked haddock, smoked bacon and the like put children at risk of inhaling second hand smokey aroma but in a child's mind it creates a link between smoke and a nice taste and leaves them craving even stronger smokey tasting treats"

Sir Liam Donaldson the government's chief medical adviser gave a statement to the press yesterday in which he said " The dangers of children inhaling second hand smokey aroma are clear but most people don't understand that smoked food is a gateway substance. It starts with kids buying smokey bacon crisps from the tuck shop, the next thing you know they have developed a taste for smoked cheese, then kippers, tobacco smoking, heroin addiction, prostitution, AIDS and death."

The news has not gone down well in Scotland where fish smoking and distilling whiskey are the only two viable private sector occupations. Angus McBadgerhat of the Association of Salmon Smokers said "Hoots mon, if those English sassenachs running the government in London think we Scots are going to put up with this they are in for a big surprise. I have been eating kippers for fifty years and I only took up heroin 2 years ago, och aye"

Richard Ashcroft, a professor of bioethics at Queen Mary, University of London has also proposed a ban on charcoal barbecues. According to Ashcroft "Not only do charcoal barbecues infuse food with a smokey taste and aroma bringing the danger of passive smokiness they are also a major cause of global warming. The sooner these things are banned the better."

Mr Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas said of the proposed charcoal barbecue ban "This is a great day for clean burning propane and those who sell propane and propane accessories, I tell you what."

Jurgen Schickelgruber the EU Commissioner for screwing the UK said yesterday "The UK is free to ban the production and sale of smoked products manufactured within it's own shores but is prohibited, under EU law from banning the import and sale of smoked products from it's EU partners. If the UK tries to ban such imports it will face huge EU fines until the Greek national debt is paid off."

The Walkers Crisp company deny that their brand of smokey bacon crisps lead to children craving smoked cheese or kippers but have refused to comment on whether they encourage children to try heroin.