Monday, March 15, 2010

Real Science

I am not Deniersaurus-Rex

I was thinking about kitchen appliances recently. I have to do something while I'm waiting for my next climate research grant from the EU or UN to arrive. I had a nagging feeling that something just wasn't right. So I thought a bit more and eventually it hit me.

Why don't dishwashers have a window in the front?

Initially I thought it was because all the muck coming off the plates and pans inside might not look too pleasant. However I have dismissed this after watching my pants in the washing machine, the stuff that comes off those in the wash is pretty scary so it can't be that.

In the interests of science I took a detailed look inside my dishwasher. There are several parts which spin round during the wash cycle. Now the manufacturers would have you believe that water and detergent squirt out of theses “spinny things” thus washing away the food waste. I'm not so sure. From my vast knowledge of Star Trek, Babylon 5, Blake's 7 and the like I am fairly sure that these "spinny things" actually create some type of sub-space distortion or perhaps even tachyon emissions. Which in all probability generate sub-space wormholes.

Analysis of the "salt" used in dishwashers shows that it is slightly different to that used in cooking and salt sellers thus I have concluded that it is probably some type of dilythium derivative. This would provide the power necessary to generate a sub-space wormhole.

So after all my exhaustive research my conclusions are:-
  1. Dishwashers do not have a window in the front because in order to clean your plates and cutlery they transport them via a sub-space wormhole to the "Planet where there is no dirt". As dirt cannot exist on this planet, your dishes become clean and are transported back to your dishwasher all shiny and sparkly
  2. When dishwasher powder and rinse aid are combined under the atmospheric conditions prevalent on the "Planet where there is no dirt" they form a soggy goo which just happens to be the local currency and compensates the inhabitants for the service their unique planet provides.
  3. Dishwashers obviously add to global warming.
My findings will be published in the next edition of Nature, thanks to finding no. 3

Now that the science on dishwashers is settled my next excursion into the science of kitchen appliances will be to consider why refrigerators don't have windows in the front. I have a preliminary theory based on sub-space displacement fields and the ice planet Grarl in the Draconis system.

That will have to wait, here comes the postman with my research grant cheque. So I'm off to the Bahamas for 6 months to study the effects of man made global warming on the size of women’s bikinis.

I. R. Scientist.

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