Kippers of Doom

Hot on the heels of their demands to ban smoking in cars the Royal College of Physicians has set it's sights on what it sees as "The next evil to be eradicated". Professor John Britton, chairman of the Royal College's tobacco advisory group, said "There is no room in a modern, enlightened society for production and sale of smoked foodstuffs. Our children would be better off eating nuclear waste than kippers"

The Society's Head of Bansturbation, professor Michael Stoatsexer explained the Society's position on Radio 4's Toady programme this morning. He said "Our extensive research, which was carried out last weekend, shows that not only does the consumption of smoked haddock, smoked bacon and the like put children at risk of inhaling second hand smokey aroma but in a child's mind it creates a link between smoke and a nice taste and leaves them craving even stronger smokey tasting treats"

Sir Liam Donaldson the government's chief medical adviser gave a statement to the press yesterday in which he said " The dangers of children inhaling second hand smokey aroma are clear but most people don't understand that smoked food is a gateway substance. It starts with kids buying smokey bacon crisps from the tuck shop, the next thing you know they have developed a taste for smoked cheese, then kippers, tobacco smoking, heroin addiction, prostitution, AIDS and death."

The news has not gone down well in Scotland where fish smoking and distilling whiskey are the only two viable private sector occupations. Angus McBadgerhat of the Association of Salmon Smokers said "Hoots mon, if those English sassenachs running the government in London think we Scots are going to put up with this they are in for a big surprise. I have been eating kippers for fifty years and I only took up heroin 2 years ago, och aye"

Richard Ashcroft, a professor of bioethics at Queen Mary, University of London has also proposed a ban on charcoal barbecues. According to Ashcroft "Not only do charcoal barbecues infuse food with a smokey taste and aroma bringing the danger of passive smokiness they are also a major cause of global warming. The sooner these things are banned the better."

Mr Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas said of the proposed charcoal barbecue ban "This is a great day for clean burning propane and those who sell propane and propane accessories, I tell you what."

Jurgen Schickelgruber the EU Commissioner for screwing the UK said yesterday "The UK is free to ban the production and sale of smoked products manufactured within it's own shores but is prohibited, under EU law from banning the import and sale of smoked products from it's EU partners. If the UK tries to ban such imports it will face huge EU fines until the Greek national debt is paid off."

The Walkers Crisp company deny that their brand of smokey bacon crisps lead to children craving smoked cheese or kippers but have refused to comment on whether they encourage children to try heroin.

They just didn't get it

I sent the email below to the 1 Blog 1 Tree people

Dear Sir

I was directed to your blog recently. I am very interested in your 1 blog 1 tree scheme, however before proceeding I have a few questions which I hope you can answer for me.

1 I recently planted some shrubs in my front garden at home, namely 1 small Mug tree and a medium size Shoe tree, I also have a well established and large Family tree. Could you let me know whether the carbon absorption of these would be sufficient to offset an average blog?

2 If every blog on the internet planted a tree would we be in danger of removing too much carbon dioxide from the atmosphere?

3 It has been suggested to me that your blog is in fact a scam and that rather than spending the money on actually planting trees it is spent on rent boys.I would be grateful if you would confirm or deny this.

I look forward to your response.

Bert Rodinsky


This is the reply I received


Dear Bert,

thanks for your interest in the "My blog is CO2 neutral" campaign.

1. Unfortunately, no precise answer is possible. The carbon dioxide absorption of a tree can differ a lot. The amount of carbon dioxide that a tree can absorb depends on the type of tree, light exposure, length of the vegetation period, latitude, water balance, and the soil conditions. There are many different calculations for the saving potential of a tree. The assumed values vary between 10 and 30kg (20 and 70lb.) for a tree each year.

The atmosphere can be relieved by an average of 5kg (11lb.) carbon dioxide every year by planting one tree. An average blog causes 3.6kg (8lb.) of carbon dioxide emissions. Consequently, a tree neutralises the carbon dioxide emissions of a blog.

2. No. Trees reduce carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, but a lesser concentration of carbon dioxide leads conversely to a reduced growth of plants.

3. Our project "Make your blog carbon neutral" is an active contribution to help the environment. The trees are planted in Plumas National Forest in Northern California by “Arbor Day Foundation” our partner in US for the “My blog is carbon neutral” initiative.
The trees will be planted in the next month by the Arbor Day Foundation. For more information about how and where the trees are planted, see our NEWS section http://www.kaufda.de/umwelt/carbon-neutral/what-we-do/

I hope I could answer all the questions to your satisfaction.

Hope to hearing from you soon.

Best
Christin

So is it that the Germans really don't get the British sense of humour or is it that all warmists are just humourless bastards?

Can you be trusted?

The adverts above have been run on TalkSport radio. However it would seem that despite what the advert says there is such a thing as a wasted call. In fact they have been getting too many calls about the wrong sort of people.

Through my connections I have received transcripts of the ads which will go out on all major TV networks. The new ad clarifies the sort of call they want. I have reproduced them in full below.

The following message is brought to you by The anti-terrorist hot line.

The man across the road from you doesn't talk to his neighbours much because he sees them as infidels. He buys large amounts of chemical fertiliser but grows nothing in his garden. His only visitors are men with silly beards. He makes regular trips to Pakistan and Afghanistan to attend family weddings and help set up schools. He does not work but claims all the benefits he can. He spends a great deal of time at the local mosque. This man is nothing to worry about he is just a very religious man who like buying fertilser.

The man who lives next to him goes to work every day. He pays his taxes, he has never been arrested for anything. He doesn't believe in man made global warming. He doesn't vote Labour. He thinks politicians are out of touch and doesn't trust them. He thinks the war in Afghanistan is a bad thing but supports the troops who have been sent there to fight. He thinks the UK would be better off outside the EU.

This may mean nothing but together it may lead to you having suspicions. We all have a roll to play in countering terrorism. If you see anything suspicious which does not involve any muslims call the anti terrorist hot line.

If you suspect it report it.

Looky-Likies

When I first read this I wasn't surprised that Alison Jackson was having trouble finding look-a-likes for Mandelson, Darling and Brown. Let's face it if I looked like any of them I'd get plastic surgery, hide in a very dark place or convert to islam and take up the veil. Anyway using the wonder that is the internets (thanks be to Al) it only took me a couple of minutes to find the looky-likies below.

Lady Fondlebum of Boys & the Great Reinaldo

Plastic Fantastic Darling

Jonah McDoom

They all look like dead ringers to me and the looky-likies would probably do a better job than the originals.

Robin crapped on my patio

The Managing director of Slim-Fast Mr I.M. Skinnytwat today denied that the building of several new Slim-Fast production facilities in the US had caused the alarming decline in songbirds weight. He claimed that although many of the new facilities were built directly below the flight-paths of migratory songbird species and weight loss in these species was mere coincidence and in no way related to the companies wonderful products.

Can you believe this ?

Oh come on people a weight difference of 130mg over 46 years!! It couldn't be that scales are a little more accurate today than they were in the 1960s then?

And another thing. I did a scientific study of the robin that lives in my back garden and he definitely weighs less after he has crapped on my patio that he did before. About 130mg less probably.

I think it is very brave of Dr Josh Van Buskirk, Mr Robert Mulvihill and Mr Robert Leberman to put their names to this nonsense, spun as it may by by the always impartial BBC. If I was going to produce crap like this I would hide behind a pseudonym like Bert Rodinsky or something.

H/T The Inspirational Mr North

Real Science

I am not Deniersaurus-Rex

I was thinking about kitchen appliances recently. I have to do something while I'm waiting for my next climate research grant from the EU or UN to arrive. I had a nagging feeling that something just wasn't right. So I thought a bit more and eventually it hit me.

Why don't dishwashers have a window in the front?

Initially I thought it was because all the muck coming off the plates and pans inside might not look too pleasant. However I have dismissed this after watching my pants in the washing machine, the stuff that comes off those in the wash is pretty scary so it can't be that.

In the interests of science I took a detailed look inside my dishwasher. There are several parts which spin round during the wash cycle. Now the manufacturers would have you believe that water and detergent squirt out of theses “spinny things” thus washing away the food waste. I'm not so sure. From my vast knowledge of Star Trek, Babylon 5, Blake's 7 and the like I am fairly sure that these "spinny things" actually create some type of sub-space distortion or perhaps even tachyon emissions. Which in all probability generate sub-space wormholes.

Analysis of the "salt" used in dishwashers shows that it is slightly different to that used in cooking and salt sellers thus I have concluded that it is probably some type of dilythium derivative. This would provide the power necessary to generate a sub-space wormhole.

So after all my exhaustive research my conclusions are:-

1. Dishwashers do not have a window in the front because in order to clean your plates and cutlery they transport them via a sub-space wormhole to the "Planet where there is no dirt". As dirt cannot exist on this planet, your dishes become clean and are transported back to your dishwasher all shiny and sparkly
2. When dishwasher powder and rinse aid are combined under the atmospheric conditions prevalent on the "Planet where there is no dirt" they form a soggy goo which just happens to be the local currency and compensates the inhabitants for the service their unique planet provides.
3. Dishwashers obviously add to global warming.

My findings will be published in the next edition of Nature, thanks to finding no. 3

Now that the science on dishwashers is settled my next excursion into the science of kitchen appliances will be to consider why refrigerators don't have windows in the front. I have a preliminary theory based on sub-space displacement fields and the ice planet Grarl in the Draconis system.

That will have to wait, here comes the postman with my research grant cheque. So I'm off to the Bahamas for 6 months to study the effects of man made global warming on the size of women’s bikinis.

I. R. Scientist.

Worm Hole

The A14 through Cambridgeshire was closed today after scientists discovered that some of the larger potholes in the road are so big that they have developed their own ecosystem. Two of the larger holes now have their own micro-climate. Cambridgeshire residents have voiced their growing concerns about the state of the county's highways and there have been numerous reports of people mysteriously disappearing while using the A14 in particular.

Council officials have strenuously denied that they have been neglecting road maintenance and diverting the money to pay for the Councils growing army of outreach and diversity consultants workers and topping up their own pension funds. Head of Highways Mark Kamp said "This is not a case of us neglecting the roads. These holes are being deliberately left open as an experiment in traffic calming. Our studies show that the average speed of traffic along the A14 has reduced from 35Mph to 12Mph. This has to be good for all road users on this notoriously dangerous dual carriageway. Just because this is a trunk road through open countryside does not mean people should be able whiz along at 40mp or similar dangerous speeds."

Julie Spence, leading light in the association of Senior Women Police Officers organisation in the UK and around the world and Chief Constable of the Cambridgeshire farce was interviewed on local TV news recently. When questioned about the state of the counties roads she responded "Do you like my new uniform? I think women look really good in a uniform. Does this new skirt make my bum look big?"

It seems, however that the potholes have provided an ideal habitat for the development of several new species of animals. Professor Reg Smeaton of Cambridge University has described how he first discovered the eco diversity of the potholes when the minibus full of students he was traveling with accidentally fell into one of the holes.

Speaking of his discovery the Professor said "While waiting to be rescued we discovered several new species of creatures living in the pothole. Our studies in the laboratory showed that one of the new worm species had evolved from common worms but had developed teh ability to metabolise both carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide. These creatures literally live and indeed thrive on car exhaust gasses. This is not the only benefit of these creatures, our experiments show that not only do they extract carbon monoxide and dioxide from the atmosphere but as far as we have been able to tell the only matter they excrete as a result is a weak watery substance that, as far as we can tell is Budweiser. This is of course a harmless fluid which does no damage to anyone except those who drink it"

Initially dismissed as a crank Professor Smeaton's work has since been verified by several eminent experts in the field. Professor Nancy Gripps-Higgle of Durham University said recently "Professor Smeaton may have discovered the answer to the worlds carbon dioxide problem. These worms eat carbon dioxide and pee Budweiser. They also breed like sink estate chavs. Put 2 of them in a tank and before you can say "where's my giro?" you have a couple of hundred of them. I have successfully replicated all of teh Professors experiments and confirmed his findings. This is real."

Not everyone has taken quite so readily to the idea that these worms can solve the global warming problem. Al Gore and Rajendra Pachauri issued a joint statement in which they stated that "This whole business about carbon dioxide eating worms is a bunch of lies made up by big oil to divert the public's attention away from the real solutions. Wind power and carbon offsets are the only way to resolve this problem."

They went on "The people of the world don't want carbon dioxide eating, "beer" peeing worms. They want millions of wind turbines, higher taxes and heroes like us."

Monsanto's attempts to patent the carbon dioxide eating worm continue.

Anheuser-Busch has announced that it closing all it's breweries and diversifying into worm farming but emphasized that this would not affect the availability of it's premium beer brands.

Abuse of Torrent

Gordon Brown's government spoke out in defence of their new Digital Economy Bill today. The Prime Minister spoke in support of the bill and defended the proposed sanctions against filesharers contained in the legislation. "When Al Gore invented the internet all those years ago he did not intend it to be used to rob musicians blind. We need to send a message to those who steal the creative works of our premium artists. Bands like Cliff Richard and the Shadows, Herman's Hermits and the Spice Girls are musical giants who enrich our everyday lives and should be rewarded for their hard work in writing their modern masterpeices" he said.

Many of the largest internet businesses have formed a consortium to speak out against the bill. At a press conference yesterday Simon Hadaway, counsel for the consortium said "The sanctions laid out in the bill are outrageous, penalising every member of a household or a business for the actions of one individual goes against natural justice. The banishment of an entire family to Wales because little Johnny downloaded a copy of the latest number one hit is just bonkers. And that is the just the punishment for a first offence. How will we maintain our profits if half the country is disconnected from the internet and sent to Wales."

Welsh first minister Owen lllangolllellenlll spoke of his dismay at having "all these evil criminals sent to Wales as a punishment." He further stated that "Should too many offenders be sent to Wales there would soon come a time when there were not enough sheep to go around" When asked what the Welsh parliament would do with it's own internet criminals he responded "What is the internet?"

Even the UN has voiced concerns about the punishment for those caught committing a second offence. Ali Abu Hamza, head of the UN Commission for Human Rights said "The handing over of offender's children to music industry executives for merely downloading unlicensed music is akin to slavery and should only be applied to non muslim families." He went on to explain that the law should not apply to muslims as sharia law made no provision for punishing muslims who break infidel laws.

Seth Bumscag speaking on behalf of music industry interests said "It is only fair that we are compensated for the losses we have suffered. Internet users have a simple choice, play by our rules and you are fine, pirate music and loose your children. It's a simple choice." Speaking about the fate of children confiscated he said"Only the pretty ones will be pimped out as child prostitutes, the plain ones will be sold off as house servants and the ugly ones will be sold to cat food makers. The income from these ventures will be ploughed into our bonus schemes."

BaE Systems has spoken of it's delight at the business opportunities that would arise from those caught committing a third breach of the law. Jason Warmonger the company's spokes-suit said "A tactical missile strike on the neighbourhood of a third time offender is entirely reasonable in defence of record company's income streams. The effective use of this law will also secure the jobs of those employed in our new missile factory in Croatia."

Nick Clegg of the lib-dums said of the third offence sanction "That's one of ours, we came up with that one. The whole party is over the moon that we have finally managed to get one of our ideas on the statute book."

The bill was supported on it's passage through parliament by all three main parties. Speculation that they supported the bill in return for cash payments and the rights to use naff pop songs as campaign anthems during the forthcoming election were strenuously denied by all parties.

MPs will be exempt from the legislation because they need to be able to monitor how much unlicensed content remains available on the internet and establish how easy it is to download and send to their friends.

Student Exchange

My daughter went to Germany last month and stayed with a very nice German family on an exchange trip organised by her school. She had a lovely time and hopefully the trip will have helped improved her spoken German. Later this week the German girl my daughter stayed with is coming to spend a week with us. On week days she will go to school with my daughter or on trips arranged by the school. That only leaves me to find things to do over the weekend.

As a widower I can't refer to my wife for suggestions on what are suitable activities to interest a teenage German girl so I have had to come up with some ideas of my own. Anyway I was thinking that in the spirit of fostering understanding between our two countries perhaps giving her an insight into my countries history would be both suitable and interesting.

So I have planned a trip to the Imperial War museum in London on Saturday and then a visit to Duxford on the Sunday. My daughter seems to think these aren't the best venues to visit with a young German. I don't understand her reservations. I have visited both museums on more than one occasion and have always enjoyed the exhibits of tanks, guns and aeroplanes, with which we kicked the crap out of the Hun in the last two wars.

Oh wait a minute......... BUGGER.

A plague, or ten, on your houses

I saw a rather interesting long range weather forecast over on the Met Office climate panic website. Thought you might be interested so I reproduce it in full below.

Long Range Forecast for the UK - Summer 2010

And it shall come to pass that in the land of the northern tribes the great warming will devastate all mankind and the beasts of the field alike.

Verily, as the satanic dioxide increases so shall increase the viscosity of the very water until it turns deepest blood red and all the fishes in the water shall perish and the creatures of the air and land that eat of them.

There shall follow a great storm the like of which has ne'er been seen upon the face of the earth and the young of the amphibians shall be lifted aloft in great winds and shall fall as a hellish rain upon thy lands.

Truly, as the lands become hotter the dominion of the insects shall increase until they become a great multitude and the torment of the lice shall be visited upon the people of the land and all shall suffer the unscratchable itch.

Thy livestock and beasts of the field shall fall ill with the diseases of the body as thy climate becomes as hot as the very fires of the demonic furnace.

Thy shall be afflicted by boils. Boils of such overwhelming size and nastiness that thou shall be driven to the very edge of thy sanity as thy body oozes and thy writhe in thy pain.

The skies shall darken and the clouds shall pour forth hail and fire in equal measure scaring the very pants off thee and thine.

Yay verily, thy crops will be withered from the dread warming and the locusts shall spread over the face of the earth and devour all that is left of thy crops until thy fields and barns are baron and empty.

As thy vehicles of evil and thy incandescent light bulbs of doom belch the devil's dioxide into the skies of thy land so the skies shall darken until the glory of the sun is seen no more upon the face of the land.

Finally the angel of death shall descend from the firmament and take thy first born child from thee and bring them unto Death. None shall be spared save those who honor Saint Al of Gore for they shall display his Inconvenient Truth upon their very doorpost.*

Forecast Ends.

* Sticking a copy of the hockey stick graph on your door will not be sufficient to protect your first born.


So there you have it, another barebeque summer? You have been warned.

Michael Mackintosh Foot

Fed up with the BBC's canonisation of the Foot I did some research of my own. As it is bad form to speak ill of the dead I will merely reprise what, for me, are his good points.

1. He had a brother called Dingle.
2. He didn't seem to like Europe much
3. He isn't wasting as much space as he was the day before yesterday.

D-R

Beyond Satire

What is this woman on?

From the Daily Wail

Deborah Arnott, chief executive of the anti-smoking group ASH, insisted it was a myth that the anti-smoking legislation had forced pubs out of business.

No dear, it's a myth that you know what you are talking about.

She said: 'Many pubs have shifted their focus to serving food, so they have changed their nature.'

Who said we wanted pubs to change their nature and who are you to decide for us?

She added: 'Mr Hogan is the exception, not the norm, because compliance rates for the ban are way above 90 per cent.'

And good luck to the 10%.

Nick Hogan is an apparently ordinary man driven to the edge by petty beurocrats and self serving quangocrats. Remember Steve Thoburn. Get over to Old Holburn and a give a little to help Mr. Hogan.

I'm a believer NOT

I thought Al was only real in USA
Meant for Yankee folks but not for me
Al was such a good guy, that's the way it seemed
Global warming haunted all my dreams

And then I saw his film
Now I'm a denier
Got a place for doubt in my mind
I'm in doubt
I'm a denier
I couldn't trust him if I tried

I thought Jones was more or less a giving guy
More FOI I crave the less I get
Whats the use in asking, all you get's disdain
When I needed data I got nain*

And then I saw his graph
Now I'm a denier
Got a place for doubt in my mind
I'm in doubt
I'm a denier
I couldn't trust him if I tried

Al was such a good guy, that's the way it seemed
Global warming haunted all my dreams

And then I saw his film
Now I'm a denier
Got a place for doubt in my mind
I'm in doubt
I'm a denier
I couldn't trust him if I tried

Then I saw his graph
Now I'm a denier
Got a place for doubt in my mind
yeah I'm a denier,
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
I'm a denier
(then I saw his film)
I'm a denier
(Got a place for doubt in my mind)
I'm a denier
(Now I'm a denier...)

* Ancient Scots word meaning none (probably)

And now the Monkees. It helps if you play this while reading the words above. I probably should have put that line at the top, ah well what ya gonna do.