Kippers of Doom

Hot on the heels of their demands to ban smoking in cars the Royal College of Physicians has set it's sights on what it sees as "The next evil to be eradicated". Professor John Britton, chairman of the Royal College's tobacco advisory group, said "There is no room in a modern, enlightened society for production and sale of smoked foodstuffs. Our children would be better off eating nuclear waste than kippers"

The Society's Head of Bansturbation, professor Michael Stoatsexer explained the Society's position on Radio 4's Toady programme this morning. He said "Our extensive research, which was carried out last weekend, shows that not only does the consumption of smoked haddock, smoked bacon and the like put children at risk of inhaling second hand smokey aroma but in a child's mind it creates a link between smoke and a nice taste and leaves them craving even stronger smokey tasting treats"

Sir Liam Donaldson the government's chief medical adviser gave a statement to the press yesterday in which he said " The dangers of children inhaling second hand smokey aroma are clear but most people don't understand that smoked food is a gateway substance. It starts with kids buying smokey bacon crisps from the tuck shop, the next thing you know they have developed a taste for smoked cheese, then kippers, tobacco smoking, heroin addiction, prostitution, AIDS and death."

The news has not gone down well in Scotland where fish smoking and distilling whiskey are the only two viable private sector occupations. Angus McBadgerhat of the Association of Salmon Smokers said "Hoots mon, if those English sassenachs running the government in London think we Scots are going to put up with this they are in for a big surprise. I have been eating kippers for fifty years and I only took up heroin 2 years ago, och aye"

Richard Ashcroft, a professor of bioethics at Queen Mary, University of London has also proposed a ban on charcoal barbecues. According to Ashcroft "Not only do charcoal barbecues infuse food with a smokey taste and aroma bringing the danger of passive smokiness they are also a major cause of global warming. The sooner these things are banned the better."

Mr Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas said of the proposed charcoal barbecue ban "This is a great day for clean burning propane and those who sell propane and propane accessories, I tell you what."

Jurgen Schickelgruber the EU Commissioner for screwing the UK said yesterday "The UK is free to ban the production and sale of smoked products manufactured within it's own shores but is prohibited, under EU law from banning the import and sale of smoked products from it's EU partners. If the UK tries to ban such imports it will face huge EU fines until the Greek national debt is paid off."

The Walkers Crisp company deny that their brand of smokey bacon crisps lead to children craving smoked cheese or kippers but have refused to comment on whether they encourage children to try heroin.

They just didn't get it

I sent the email below to the 1 Blog 1 Tree people

Dear Sir

I was directed to your blog recently. I am very interested in your 1 blog 1 tree scheme, however before proceeding I have a few questions which I hope you can answer for me.

1 I recently planted some shrubs in my front garden at home, namely 1 small Mug tree and a medium size Shoe tree, I also have a well established and large Family tree. Could you let me know whether the carbon absorption of these would be sufficient to offset an average blog?

2 If every blog on the internet planted a tree would we be in danger of removing too much carbon dioxide from the atmosphere?

3 It has been suggested to me that your blog is in fact a scam and that rather than spending the money on actually planting trees it is spent on rent boys.I would be grateful if you would confirm or deny this.

I look forward to your response.

Bert Rodinsky


This is the reply I received


Dear Bert,

thanks for your interest in the "My blog is CO2 neutral" campaign.

1. Unfortunately, no precise answer is possible. The carbon dioxide absorption of a tree can differ a lot. The amount of carbon dioxide that a tree can absorb depends on the type of tree, light exposure, length of the vegetation period, latitude, water balance, and the soil conditions. There are many different calculations for the saving potential of a tree. The assumed values vary between 10 and 30kg (20 and 70lb.) for a tree each year.

The atmosphere can be relieved by an average of 5kg (11lb.) carbon dioxide every year by planting one tree. An average blog causes 3.6kg (8lb.) of carbon dioxide emissions. Consequently, a tree neutralises the carbon dioxide emissions of a blog.

2. No. Trees reduce carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, but a lesser concentration of carbon dioxide leads conversely to a reduced growth of plants.

3. Our project "Make your blog carbon neutral" is an active contribution to help the environment. The trees are planted in Plumas National Forest in Northern California by “Arbor Day Foundation” our partner in US for the “My blog is carbon neutral” initiative.
The trees will be planted in the next month by the Arbor Day Foundation. For more information about how and where the trees are planted, see our NEWS section http://www.kaufda.de/umwelt/carbon-neutral/what-we-do/

I hope I could answer all the questions to your satisfaction.

Hope to hearing from you soon.

Best
Christin

So is it that the Germans really don't get the British sense of humour or is it that all warmists are just humourless bastards?

Can you be trusted?

The adverts above have been run on TalkSport radio. However it would seem that despite what the advert says there is such a thing as a wasted call. In fact they have been getting too many calls about the wrong sort of people.

Through my connections I have received transcripts of the ads which will go out on all major TV networks. The new ad clarifies the sort of call they want. I have reproduced them in full below.

The following message is brought to you by The anti-terrorist hot line.

The man across the road from you doesn't talk to his neighbours much because he sees them as infidels. He buys large amounts of chemical fertiliser but grows nothing in his garden. His only visitors are men with silly beards. He makes regular trips to Pakistan and Afghanistan to attend family weddings and help set up schools. He does not work but claims all the benefits he can. He spends a great deal of time at the local mosque. This man is nothing to worry about he is just a very religious man who like buying fertilser.

The man who lives next to him goes to work every day. He pays his taxes, he has never been arrested for anything. He doesn't believe in man made global warming. He doesn't vote Labour. He thinks politicians are out of touch and doesn't trust them. He thinks the war in Afghanistan is a bad thing but supports the troops who have been sent there to fight. He thinks the UK would be better off outside the EU.

This may mean nothing but together it may lead to you having suspicions. We all have a roll to play in countering terrorism. If you see anything suspicious which does not involve any muslims call the anti terrorist hot line.

If you suspect it report it.

Looky-Likies

When I first read this I wasn't surprised that Alison Jackson was having trouble finding look-a-likes for Mandelson, Darling and Brown. Let's face it if I looked like any of them I'd get plastic surgery, hide in a very dark place or convert to islam and take up the veil. Anyway using the wonder that is the internets (thanks be to Al) it only took me a couple of minutes to find the looky-likies below.

Lady Fondlebum of Boys & the Great Reinaldo

Plastic Fantastic Darling

Jonah McDoom

They all look like dead ringers to me and the looky-likies would probably do a better job than the originals.

Robin crapped on my patio

The Managing director of Slim-Fast Mr I.M. Skinnytwat today denied that the building of several new Slim-Fast production facilities in the US had caused the alarming decline in songbirds weight. He claimed that although many of the new facilities were built directly below the flight-paths of migratory songbird species and weight loss in these species was mere coincidence and in no way related to the companies wonderful products.

Can you believe this ?

Oh come on people a weight difference of 130mg over 46 years!! It couldn't be that scales are a little more accurate today than they were in the 1960s then?

And another thing. I did a scientific study of the robin that lives in my back garden and he definitely weighs less after he has crapped on my patio that he did before. About 130mg less probably.

I think it is very brave of Dr Josh Van Buskirk, Mr Robert Mulvihill and Mr Robert Leberman to put their names to this nonsense, spun as it may by by the always impartial BBC. If I was going to produce crap like this I would hide behind a pseudonym like Bert Rodinsky or something.

H/T The Inspirational Mr North

Real Science

I am not Deniersaurus-Rex

I was thinking about kitchen appliances recently. I have to do something while I'm waiting for my next climate research grant from the EU or UN to arrive. I had a nagging feeling that something just wasn't right. So I thought a bit more and eventually it hit me.

Why don't dishwashers have a window in the front?

Initially I thought it was because all the muck coming off the plates and pans inside might not look too pleasant. However I have dismissed this after watching my pants in the washing machine, the stuff that comes off those in the wash is pretty scary so it can't be that.

In the interests of science I took a detailed look inside my dishwasher. There are several parts which spin round during the wash cycle. Now the manufacturers would have you believe that water and detergent squirt out of theses “spinny things” thus washing away the food waste. I'm not so sure. From my vast knowledge of Star Trek, Babylon 5, Blake's 7 and the like I am fairly sure that these "spinny things" actually create some type of sub-space distortion or perhaps even tachyon emissions. Which in all probability generate sub-space wormholes.

Analysis of the "salt" used in dishwashers shows that it is slightly different to that used in cooking and salt sellers thus I have concluded that it is probably some type of dilythium derivative. This would provide the power necessary to generate a sub-space wormhole.

So after all my exhaustive research my conclusions are:-

1. Dishwashers do not have a window in the front because in order to clean your plates and cutlery they transport them via a sub-space wormhole to the "Planet where there is no dirt". As dirt cannot exist on this planet, your dishes become clean and are transported back to your dishwasher all shiny and sparkly
2. When dishwasher powder and rinse aid are combined under the atmospheric conditions prevalent on the "Planet where there is no dirt" they form a soggy goo which just happens to be the local currency and compensates the inhabitants for the service their unique planet provides.
3. Dishwashers obviously add to global warming.

My findings will be published in the next edition of Nature, thanks to finding no. 3

Now that the science on dishwashers is settled my next excursion into the science of kitchen appliances will be to consider why refrigerators don't have windows in the front. I have a preliminary theory based on sub-space displacement fields and the ice planet Grarl in the Draconis system.

That will have to wait, here comes the postman with my research grant cheque. So I'm off to the Bahamas for 6 months to study the effects of man made global warming on the size of women’s bikinis.

I. R. Scientist.

Worm Hole

The A14 through Cambridgeshire was closed today after scientists discovered that some of the larger potholes in the road are so big that they have developed their own ecosystem. Two of the larger holes now have their own micro-climate. Cambridgeshire residents have voiced their growing concerns about the state of the county's highways and there have been numerous reports of people mysteriously disappearing while using the A14 in particular.

Council officials have strenuously denied that they have been neglecting road maintenance and diverting the money to pay for the Councils growing army of outreach and diversity consultants workers and topping up their own pension funds. Head of Highways Mark Kamp said "This is not a case of us neglecting the roads. These holes are being deliberately left open as an experiment in traffic calming. Our studies show that the average speed of traffic along the A14 has reduced from 35Mph to 12Mph. This has to be good for all road users on this notoriously dangerous dual carriageway. Just because this is a trunk road through open countryside does not mean people should be able whiz along at 40mp or similar dangerous speeds."

Julie Spence, leading light in the association of Senior Women Police Officers organisation in the UK and around the world and Chief Constable of the Cambridgeshire farce was interviewed on local TV news recently. When questioned about the state of the counties roads she responded "Do you like my new uniform? I think women look really good in a uniform. Does this new skirt make my bum look big?"

It seems, however that the potholes have provided an ideal habitat for the development of several new species of animals. Professor Reg Smeaton of Cambridge University has described how he first discovered the eco diversity of the potholes when the minibus full of students he was traveling with accidentally fell into one of the holes.

Speaking of his discovery the Professor said "While waiting to be rescued we discovered several new species of creatures living in the pothole. Our studies in the laboratory showed that one of the new worm species had evolved from common worms but had developed teh ability to metabolise both carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide. These creatures literally live and indeed thrive on car exhaust gasses. This is not the only benefit of these creatures, our experiments show that not only do they extract carbon monoxide and dioxide from the atmosphere but as far as we have been able to tell the only matter they excrete as a result is a weak watery substance that, as far as we can tell is Budweiser. This is of course a harmless fluid which does no damage to anyone except those who drink it"

Initially dismissed as a crank Professor Smeaton's work has since been verified by several eminent experts in the field. Professor Nancy Gripps-Higgle of Durham University said recently "Professor Smeaton may have discovered the answer to the worlds carbon dioxide problem. These worms eat carbon dioxide and pee Budweiser. They also breed like sink estate chavs. Put 2 of them in a tank and before you can say "where's my giro?" you have a couple of hundred of them. I have successfully replicated all of teh Professors experiments and confirmed his findings. This is real."

Not everyone has taken quite so readily to the idea that these worms can solve the global warming problem. Al Gore and Rajendra Pachauri issued a joint statement in which they stated that "This whole business about carbon dioxide eating worms is a bunch of lies made up by big oil to divert the public's attention away from the real solutions. Wind power and carbon offsets are the only way to resolve this problem."

They went on "The people of the world don't want carbon dioxide eating, "beer" peeing worms. They want millions of wind turbines, higher taxes and heroes like us."

Monsanto's attempts to patent the carbon dioxide eating worm continue.

Anheuser-Busch has announced that it closing all it's breweries and diversifying into worm farming but emphasized that this would not affect the availability of it's premium beer brands.