Once upon a time there was a simpleton called Jack. He lived with his mother on a farm in the countryside. The farm had fallen on hard times and Jack's mother had no money for food or heating. She decided that the time had come to sell her only remaining asset, a cow.
She sent Jack off to market to sell the cow for as much as he could. On his way to market Jack came across Herman the tinker. After a few beers Jack swapped the cow for a handful of magic beans. When he got home and showed his mum the beans she went ballistic. She beat the living crap out of Jack and threw the beans out the window.
Jack went to bed with tears in his eyes and an empty belly. When he woke up in the morning a giant beanstalk had grown where his mother had thrown the beans. Jack being an inquisitive lad decided to climb the beanstalk. He climbed and climbed and eventually reached the top and followed a winding path to a giant's castle. He entered the castle and started to explore. In one room he found a chicken sitting on a clutch of golden eggs. Just then Jack heard very loud footsteps coming his way accompanied by the obligatory Fi Fi Fo Fum etc etc.
Jack grabbed the chicken and legged it out of the castle and down the beanstalk. When he got to the bottom he grabbed his trusty chainsaw and cut down the beanstalk to stop the giant following him.
The chicken laid enough golden eggs to clear all the farms debts and everyone lived happily ever after.
I have had confirmation from another of my sources within the government that this is Labour's current plan for ending the recession should they win the election.
Heinz, HP foods and numerous farmers have confirmed to me that they have all been contacted by a Mr A. Darling of London regarding where he might obtain some magic beans or if they know of anyone who has a surplus of beans and is in need of a cow. Harriet Harman has strenuously denied that New Labour plan to swap her for a handful of beans.
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