Bomber Command, the gift that keeps on giving.
Sorry, I'm in a peculiar mood today.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Kill the Stupid
When I was young I liked television much much more than I do now. There were some programmes I couldn't stand even back then. Opportunity Knocks, Dee Time and Jukebox Jury were my number one hates followed pretty closely by anything involving Bruce Forsythe.
I was naive back then and I assumed that these programmes were only on the telly to make sure people turned it off and went and did something more useful. I also thought that these programmes were used as a way of keeping our country great. Surely I thought after each of these programmes the studio audience was taken round the back of broadcasting house and quietly shot. To my mind this was a very good way of removing undesirables from the gene pool. What possible use could these type of people be to England.
Imagine my disappointment when I found that this wasn't the case. Imagine how much better off the country would be if it had been true. By now we could have completely bred out the gene that compels idiots to want to watch talent shows. Imagine no more Dancing with Tarts no more Strictly Soft Porn and no more
I would be especially keen to try this out on Question Time audiences as proof of concept.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Is she expecting sympathy?
If you haven't read this and/or this yet you should do so immediately.
Some may call it schadenfreude but I don't speak German so I will just have to make do with saying that I sometimes derive pleasure from the misfortune of others and admit that I laughed till my head exploded and then laughed some more.
Some may call it schadenfreude but I don't speak German so I will just have to make do with saying that I sometimes derive pleasure from the misfortune of others and admit that I laughed till my head exploded and then laughed some more.
Cutting Your Cloth
I had a nasty letter from my bank manager yesterday. I have reproduced the contents below.
Dear Mr. Rex
Re Your loan application and overdraft extension.
It has been brought to my attention that your account with our bank has a considerable negative balance. On top of that you have a number of pre-existing loans which you are currently unable to service.
One has to question why you felt it appropriate to apply for yet another loan. Had this been a case of consolidating your other loans into a single larger loan payable over a longer term the bank may have looked upon your application more favourably. Unfortunately I cannot see any merit in you borrowing more money so you can, in your words, send it to your friends in Africa. I must therefore decline your loan application at this time.
With regard to your request for a larger overdraft facility. I must confess that I can see some merit in this application wanting to provide your family with good health care insurance is a noble idea. Unfortunately the premiums you are required to pay are excessively high. Having spoken to your medical insurer I understand that you have been allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to claim on your policy rather than restricting it to members of your immediate family which your policy was intended to cover. Under the circumstances I have no option but to decline your request on this matter.
In closing I would point out that the country is not in good financial shape at the moment and we must all cut our cloth according to our purse. Your purse does not stretch to giving money to your poor friends in foreign countries or paying for the health care for anyone who wanders by. While I sympathise with your claim that you had lots of money which was stolen by a scotsman it is now something of a moot point and you need to move on.
Yours Sincerely
J. Arthur Banker
Dear Mr. Rex
Re Your loan application and overdraft extension.
It has been brought to my attention that your account with our bank has a considerable negative balance. On top of that you have a number of pre-existing loans which you are currently unable to service.
One has to question why you felt it appropriate to apply for yet another loan. Had this been a case of consolidating your other loans into a single larger loan payable over a longer term the bank may have looked upon your application more favourably. Unfortunately I cannot see any merit in you borrowing more money so you can, in your words, send it to your friends in Africa. I must therefore decline your loan application at this time.
With regard to your request for a larger overdraft facility. I must confess that I can see some merit in this application wanting to provide your family with good health care insurance is a noble idea. Unfortunately the premiums you are required to pay are excessively high. Having spoken to your medical insurer I understand that you have been allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to claim on your policy rather than restricting it to members of your immediate family which your policy was intended to cover. Under the circumstances I have no option but to decline your request on this matter.
In closing I would point out that the country is not in good financial shape at the moment and we must all cut our cloth according to our purse. Your purse does not stretch to giving money to your poor friends in foreign countries or paying for the health care for anyone who wanders by. While I sympathise with your claim that you had lots of money which was stolen by a scotsman it is now something of a moot point and you need to move on.
Yours Sincerely
J. Arthur Banker
Spacco and Numbnuts
Wenlock and Mandeville, more like Spacco and Numbnuts. While the London 2012 Olympic committee and their hangers on are doubtless wetting them selves with self congratulation after the unveiling of the, frankly embarrassing, 2012 mascots the rest of the world is wetting itself laughing, and here and here and here.
I don't know why these events need a mascot but if we must have one couldn't we just wrap some tinsel round a goat, a lion or even a child like army regiments and football teams do?
I notice there is no Union Flag or Cross of St George on these masterpieces of the creative arts. Mustn't upset the immigrants or the religion of peace. Like the muslims would notice, they are too busy trying to track down and kill people who draw pictures they don't like.
Personally I would like to think that Spacco and Numbnuts are the result of an artist with a very, very wicked sense of humour. I know however that this is not the case and we are supposed to take these seriously. Just like we were supposed to take the 2012 logo seriously. Sorry but all I can see when I look at the logo is Lisa Simpson on her knees doing something very rude. At least Lisa seems to be indulging in a heterosexual activity. What are these two gay phallic characatures supposed to say about the UK?
My first reaction, on seeing the mascots, was "these remind me of something". What they remind me of is the Krotchy Doll from Postal 2.
Bring back World Cup Willie. Strong, determined and with a bloody great Union Flag on his chest.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Death From a Plug
Two people were killed and twenty five injured in London yesterday. What was first suspected to be a terrorist attack turned out to be the result of a forgetful driver.
Ms. Clarissa Beardy had forgotten to wind in the recharge cable on her new plug in Prius before beginning her journey to work at the Department of Environment and Climate Scammery. As a result the 2 dead people became tangled in the cable and were dragged along the road to their deaths. Most of the injured were hit by the 13amp plug on the end of the cable which bounced about dangerously as the car traveled along busy London streets.
Ms. Beardy was initially arrested by the police but was released without charge when it was realised that she was only trying to save the planet and the 2 dead people were discovered to be climate change skeptics.
A spokesperson for the Met police said, "The important thing is that Ms. Beardy wasn't speeding during the incident and although damaged the 13 amp plug can be replaced."
When questioned by the press about the incident Ms. Beardy said "I was mortified when the police stopped me and I realised what had happened. It was a great relief when I heard the the two dead people were deniers. My conscience is clean just like my driving license"
The relatives of the deceased have been reported to the UN for consideration of prosecuting them for aiding and abetting climate skepticism.
Ms. Clarissa Beardy had forgotten to wind in the recharge cable on her new plug in Prius before beginning her journey to work at the Department of Environment and Climate Scammery. As a result the 2 dead people became tangled in the cable and were dragged along the road to their deaths. Most of the injured were hit by the 13amp plug on the end of the cable which bounced about dangerously as the car traveled along busy London streets.
Ms. Beardy was initially arrested by the police but was released without charge when it was realised that she was only trying to save the planet and the 2 dead people were discovered to be climate change skeptics.
A spokesperson for the Met police said, "The important thing is that Ms. Beardy wasn't speeding during the incident and although damaged the 13 amp plug can be replaced."
When questioned by the press about the incident Ms. Beardy said "I was mortified when the police stopped me and I realised what had happened. It was a great relief when I heard the the two dead people were deniers. My conscience is clean just like my driving license"
The relatives of the deceased have been reported to the UN for consideration of prosecuting them for aiding and abetting climate skepticism.
Friday, May 14, 2010
It's is pronounced ARSE
Kick Ass
Despite it's name this film is not about animal cruelty. Damned colonials.
This was another film about which I knew nothing before sitting down to watch it. I am also not familiar with the graphic novel.
To start off I wasn't impressed. During the first 10 minutes it looked like nothing more than another juvenile American teen comedy. The lead roll seemed to be that of a cretin who enjoyed running round dressed like a weird Norwich city supporter. Yes I know all Norwich City supporters are weird, this bloke just looks a bit more weird.
It got better. In some places it got much, much better. Nicholas Cage turned up in the role of Big Daddy. The first scene featuring Cage is superb and his take off of Adam West's Batman was really good and quite comical. Hit-Girl (Chloë Moretz) was excellent. The idea of a small 11/12 year old girl beating the living daylights out of nasty gangsters seems silly but it works in the context of the film and is funny to boot.
There was some British interest among the cast. Mark Strong was the baddy Frank D'Amico with Dexter Fletcher as one of his henchmen along with a few other familiar faces. Fletcher's character dies by being crushed in a big yellow Range Rover, which for some reason reminded me of Layer Cake.
There is a good bit of violence in the film. Some lib dems/warmists/guardianistas and other wet wusses may find the site of Hit-Girl stabbing, shooting and generally slaughtering bad guys in nasty ways upsetting. Not to mention the scene involving the industrial size microwave.You should not find this upsetting you should find it amusing and sometimes even funny. If you don't there is something wrong with you.
The film definitely has high points and a few places where it drags especially during the longish periods when Big Daddy and Hit-Girl were not on the screen. There are a few good tunes in the soundtrack. Backing Hit-Girl's first slaughterfest with The Dickies version of the Banana Splits theme put a big smile on my face.
I would rate this film :- Funny, violent, not quite kick arse enough but worth a watch.
Also have a watch of Defendor (Woody Harelson) a similar theme handled a little differently.
Despite it's name this film is not about animal cruelty. Damned colonials.
This was another film about which I knew nothing before sitting down to watch it. I am also not familiar with the graphic novel.
To start off I wasn't impressed. During the first 10 minutes it looked like nothing more than another juvenile American teen comedy. The lead roll seemed to be that of a cretin who enjoyed running round dressed like a weird Norwich city supporter. Yes I know all Norwich City supporters are weird, this bloke just looks a bit more weird.
It got better. In some places it got much, much better. Nicholas Cage turned up in the role of Big Daddy. The first scene featuring Cage is superb and his take off of Adam West's Batman was really good and quite comical. Hit-Girl (Chloë Moretz) was excellent. The idea of a small 11/12 year old girl beating the living daylights out of nasty gangsters seems silly but it works in the context of the film and is funny to boot.
There was some British interest among the cast. Mark Strong was the baddy Frank D'Amico with Dexter Fletcher as one of his henchmen along with a few other familiar faces. Fletcher's character dies by being crushed in a big yellow Range Rover, which for some reason reminded me of Layer Cake.
There is a good bit of violence in the film. Some lib dems/warmists/guardianistas and other wet wusses may find the site of Hit-Girl stabbing, shooting and generally slaughtering bad guys in nasty ways upsetting. Not to mention the scene involving the industrial size microwave.You should not find this upsetting you should find it amusing and sometimes even funny. If you don't there is something wrong with you.
The film definitely has high points and a few places where it drags especially during the longish periods when Big Daddy and Hit-Girl were not on the screen. There are a few good tunes in the soundtrack. Backing Hit-Girl's first slaughterfest with The Dickies version of the Banana Splits theme put a big smile on my face.
I would rate this film :- Funny, violent, not quite kick arse enough but worth a watch.
Also have a watch of Defendor (Woody Harelson) a similar theme handled a little differently.
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